I’m proud of you, Sparklers. In last week’s double installment of Chris Listens, we tackled some tough questions, and the outpouring of support in the comments really warmed this blogger’s heart. I want to sincerely thank everyone who chimed in—especially those who shared their experiences with depression and sleazy guys. Thanks for being there for each other! We’ve got another batch of confuzzling conundrums on the digital horizon, so start scrollin’.
My bff from 7th grade and I are really close. I always looked at him like a brother, and I thought he thought I was like a sister. He’s one of those guys that I’m really comfortable with because we are so close. Last year, he started to lightly compliment me, telling me I look beautiful, that I have amazing eyes, silky hair, that kind of stuff. I took it as him being nice. This year, when I got a cell phone, he acted really nervous when asking for my number. Then whenever he texted/called, we would playfully flirt. Then all of sudden, in the middle of the year, it got deep.
He told me that he was always attracted to me and he loved me and loved holding me and things like that. Then he told me that he wanted to do something with me, to show me how much he loved me. He told me things like he loved me with all his heart and wanted me, and although he’s doing okay holding back physically, he’s just not sure he can anymore. Secretly, I had begun to like him, but it was only a crush, and I wasn’t interested in doing anything physical. I mean kissing, fine, but he wanted to do things like make out and have sex. Things started getting ugly when he started asking for pictures. He told me that he loved my body, and that if I was nervous, he was willing to send first pic. Due to personal (and religious) beliefs, I said no. He hasn’t stopped asking for them, and although I do love him as well, I know that he just wants my body, not me. When I confronted him about that, he said I was mistaken—he didn’t just want my body—he wanted me as well. He didn’t want a relationship, because we are in high school, and because he has the tendency to ruin a relationship (which is true). I know that he is a bit of a womanizer. He also is a forbidden fruit kind of guy—he wants what he can’t have. Since he knows I haven’t done anything (still waiting for first kiss) and that I am kinda picky, he wants to be the one to, I guess, “conquer” me. He also tells me he’s willing to tell me anything about himself. As much as I love him, and I do want to go out with him eventually, I don’t want do the things he wants, like having sex. What do I do?
This question was addressed by numerous readers in the comments last week, most of whom said GET THE HECK AWAY FROM THIS DUDE, albeit in a more elegant fashion. And for the most part, I agree with the advice our dear Sparklers dispensed. You absolutely should not feel any pressure to have sex with or share pictures of yourself with anyone at any time. You don't even need a reason—it's your body and you get to make the decisions. From what I can tell, you have done all the right things so far by confronting him and sticking to your convictions—and I’m really glad you’re not letting him wear you down. Stay strong! Beyond saying NO to his requests, have you told him that his actions make you seriously uncomfortable? He might not understand that he is stepping way over a boundary. Or he might think he’s just being flirtatious. If his nefarious techniques have worked with other girls, he may be reluctant to give them up, which sends up another red flag: his persistence in this unsavory matter makes me feel that he’s probably not the kind of guy you want to go out with, ever. Because based on your forbidden fruit metaphor, once he’s “conquered” you, he’ll be ready to move on. And I doubt your friendship will remain.
So, Chris, I start summer school tomorrow (bummer, I know. It's a technology class I have to fit in) and I'm not looking forward to it. It's from 8-3 Monday-Friday until July 11th. Any advice on how not to lose my mind while the rest of the world is swimming, sleeping in, and enjoying their summer? Or maybe you have a good sandwich recipe that I could bring for lunch?
Major bummer! Console yourself with the fact that you will be keeping your brain agile and active while your classmates’ thinking apparatuses turn to oatmeal. If your technology class is supplemental (and not something you didn't pass during the year), you can also bask in the academic advantage you’ll have come September. Also, be glad summer school doesn’t last the whole summer—you’ll still have half of July and all of August to sleep and swim and chill out. In the meantime, we covered how to enjoy a condensed summer here. And oh yes, sandwich recipes. Here's an idea: Try grilled cheese with pickles and mustard on sourdough. It goes great with one of those little bottles of Orangina. Another surefire winner involves sliced pears, goat cheese, beets, and arugula on lightly toasted wheat. Even though you're in summer school, you should still try to eat as if you were on vacation on the French Riviera.
I have a really good friend who's having a really hard time. He really hates himself and he won't listen to me or anyone else anymore. He's a great kid, he's really smart and funny, and one of the nicest people I've ever met. He has a great heart and it's in the right place. He has a ton of friends and everyone adores him. But no matter what he's told, he continues to hate himself. He had a really hard time when he was little and he's hated himself since third grade. Counseling has never worked, he's been through it several times before. He tried to commit suicide a few years ago, and I'm scared it might happen again. Now he has this friend. Let’s call him Joe. Joe is a good person, but he seems flawless to everyone. Joe is now best friends with my friend, and my friend says he can't help but wish he could be more like Joe. Now my friend is always saying how much he sucks at everything compared to Joe and that he doesn't deserve to be happy and to like himself. All I really want is for my friend to be happy and to like himself because he really DOES deserve it, but no matter how hard I try nothing seems to work. I'm getting really scared for him because our conversations keep getting more and more disturbing. Pretty pretty please help me!
First, I want to commend you for being a really great friend. Your friend needs a lot of support to help him through this hard time, and I encourage you to keep in close contact. You don’t necessarily need to try to cheer him up, but let him know you're there for him. If you feel like there’s nothing you can do to help, you need to get a professional involved as soon as possible, especially if your friend is talking about suicide. Talk to a parent, or if school is still in session, go to a teacher or school counselor. If you don’t feel comfortable with any of these options, call 1-800-784-2433 to reach the National Hopeline Network, or visit www.hopeline.com. Where Joe is concerned, does he know about your friend’s emotional troubles? Joe probably isn’t intentionally doing anything to make your friend feel bad about himself, but he might change his actions if he knows how they are affecting him. Also, Joe might be willing to talk to your friend and lend additional support. It seems likely that your friend is depressed, and even though counseling may not have worked in the past, it doesn't mean it won't work now. Most cases of depression can be overcome through treatment, but the first step is reach out for help. Your job is to be there for your friend and help him take that first step.
I have a family-related question to ask you. I think it's too long, but please read on anyway. So my parents fight a lot. By the way, I live with them. I'm still in high school. But they've been fighting for a very long time now. I'm talking years. When I was little, I would go into my room and cover my ears with a pillow. My sister did too. It was only occasional fighting though. No violence (that I know of anyway), just a lot of yelling and swearing. This New Year's day, my mom came to pick me up from my friend's house. Instead of going home, we took a different route. Then I noticed she hadn't really talked since my sister and I got in the car. We asked her why we weren't going home. She started sobbing and took her sunglasses off, and she had a black eye. She told us that her and my dad had gotten in a really bad fight and he hit her. Later I learned that they were both somewhat under the influence of alcohol. Well, we drove around to random places for the rest of the day while she cried most of the time. Finally, that night we went home and she told us to get some things. My dad wasn't home, but I was terrified. My mom hadn't told my sister and I the whole story (and still really hasn't) so I was thinking my dad was some maniac. We all grabbed some clothes and other things and headed off to, well, anywhere. We stayed in a hotel for a few nights. My mom was going crazy. She told us that she was getting a divorce with my dad. I told her I was fine with it, because they had been fighting for so long. We actually discussed it. I don't think she remembers though, because she wasn't in a very good state at the time. She wasn't drunk (she rarely drinks), but she wasn't sane either. A week later we were back at home and everything was okay. I was really puzzled. Didn't my dad hit my mom? Weren't they getting a divorce? So for a few months, they got into fights again. We'd stay in hotels for a night or two, stay at my Grandma's, anything. She began telling my sister and I less and less. The last few fights they got into, we had no idea what went on. She said we weren't old enough to know. That made me really mad. I have the right to know. I'm her daughter. Then, after what I'm guessing was a really bad argument (I do know that there was no violence involved, other than that she told me absolutely nothing), she took control of what happened in January. She got a restraining order on him and he wasn't allowed in the house for two weeks. She assured us that they were really getting a divorce this time. They went to court (I didn't attend, and was told very little of this too) and swore to no more violence for a year. So the authorities have taken care of the violence. My dad comes home. They act like nothing happened, and I have no idea why, but we resume to normal life again. No divorce. They promised my sister and I that they wouldn't fight anymore. The next day, they start fighting again. I'm so sick of all this madness. I don't know what to think between the fighting and not fighting. I think I want them to get a divorce. I think. I just want to talk to them about it, but what do I say?
This is a really tough question, and I want to thank you for telling the whole story. You’ve been through a lot, and I wish there was a magic phrase you could say to your parents to make the fighting stop. Unfortunately, there’s not, and based on what you’ve told me, divorce may be the healthiest outcome for everyone involved. Without some kind of separation, there’s a good chance that the madness will continue. Another option for them is marriage counseling, although perhaps they’ve already tried that. In any case, I definitely encourage you to talk to your parents (both of them, but not at the same time) and share your feelings. It’s possible that, despite all that’s occurred, they don’t know how much all this fighting has affected you, and they may not understand that you are confused and hurt. As for what to say, tell them exactly what you told me—that you are sick of the madness. Also, it seems like they haven’t told you everything about the situation, so you might ask them to do so. You definitely have a right to know what's going on. No doubt it will be difficult for them to share, but it sounds like a lot of emotions are being bottled up or hidden, which is not healthy for anyone. If your parents don’t want to talk about it, perhaps you can go to another family member for advice, as they may have a different perspective on the relationship and why it continues in this dysfunctional state. It's hard to say why people will stay together under these conditions, so you may want to get more specific advice from a professional therapist or counselor. Good luck!
I have been a vegetarian for two and a half years now (I am the only one in my entire family). My parents (kinda) accept my choices now, but my extended family doesn't. Whenever I visit them I either get teased by my older cousins or my elderly aunts/uncles/grandparents ask me a million ridiculous questions at every meal. Some cousins put meat on my plate when I'm not looking or just rant about how stupid vegetarians are. So far ignoring them doesn't work, and when I try to calmly explain it makes things worse. My aunts ask me things like "Haven't you heard that meat is good for you?" or "How long is this little phase going to last?" I try my best to be respectful, and I have answered all those questions numerous times. I personally don't think it’s a big deal and I try not to bring it up, but somebody always has to. Another visit is coming up soon, how should I deal with them?!
Been there! Although I am not a vegetarian, I have family members who are, and they often are given a hard time by carnivores in our family. It seems that older carnivores are especially confused by vegetarianism—they grew up during a time when meat was a mealtime staple, and they’ve spent their whole lives chowing down on animals, so they don’t really understand where you’re coming from. But good job on being respectful and fielding their questions—you want them to understand that there is a reason for your choice, and that it’s not just a phase. My advice is to keep being patient with them, and maybe bring up examples of other well-known vegetarians from history, such as Albert Einstein, Susan B. Anthony, and Mohandas Gandhi. They all did pretty well without meat. Another option is to bust out a copy of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle, select a page at random, and start reading it aloud.
My whole family is presbiterian (except spelled correctly) I was raised that way. However, I am actually agnostic. My parents still occasionally drag me to church, which makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I want to tell them, but I think it would make a lot of things awkward, and it would probably hurt my mom. Should I tell them? Or should I just hold out the four years until I go to college and don't have to deal with it as much?
Hmm, four years is a long time to hold out. I guess a lot depends on how often you go to church, how awkward it makes you feel, and how bad the truth would hurt your mom. I am all for sharing one’s feelings and opinions, but if it’s a once-a-month inconvenience for you, and revealing your agnosticism would shatter your mom’s heart into a billion fragments, I would keep it to yourself and use those hours in church as mandatory thinking-about-other-stuff time. But if you’re going to church every week for six hours, you might need to spill it. If you want to test the waters, bring up the subject in a more casual way. Instead of saying, “Guess what? I’m agnostic!” start a more tactful discussion about belief in general to see where they stand and how strongly they feel. Or maybe tell them “your friend” has been having some doubts and you want to get their opinion. Religion is a very sensitive subject, and conversation about it can get heated. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss it; you just need to make sure you approach it in a way that takes everyone's beliefs (or lack thereof) into consideration.
I've been reading your 'Chris Listens' blog and have decided that most of the questions are a little too deep, so I have one which is a little more lighthearted: As an Australian, I'm just wondering how Americans see us? Do you think of us all as complete bogans who ride kangaroos to school? Do you know what bogans are? (if not, see 'Kath and Kim,' the Australian version of course, or 'The Castle') just wondering...
I was under the impression that Australians rode boomerangs to school, where they learn from kangaroos instead of teachers. OK, fine, I was actually not under that impression. My opinion of Australians is biased. Every Australian I’ve ever met has been really cool, laid back, and funny, and every person I know who’s visited Australia raves about what an amazing country it is. Also, some of my favorite bands, including Midnight Oil and Architecture in Helsinki, hail from Down Under. But I’m not sure how the rest of Americans feel, or whether they enjoy the rock music of your land. Whaddya say, Sparklers?
Bogans, agnostics, and everyone else: send your questions to chris@sparknotes.com.
By: Chris_Diken
Topics: Advice
Tags: parents, chris listens, religion, relationships, siblings, dating, summer school, sandwiches, vegetarians
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