It’s Time to Play...Name That Baby!

Sparkler LunarCircus shows how not to choose...a baby name?! Hey, we can't blame a Sparkler for planning ahead, and we have a feeling his future children will thank him. Enjoy! —SparkNotes Editors

Assuming you’re still in high school, having children is probably the last thing on your "to do" list. But who hasn’t thought about what it would be like to have a lil’ tike of their own? Besides, everyone loves the smell of baby.

Recent movies like Marley and Me got me thinking about how having a kid can change everything. If someone out there in your great, big future is going to be stuck forever with the name that you choose (or at least until they’re old enough to change it), and this someone knows exactly who to blame for his/her name, then it might be a good idea to think over that name for a good long while.

Sometimes names are given because they say something about the kind of person one’s guardians would like them to be; other times because they just sound so damn cool (*cough* Tiffany Thongbiscuit *cough*). Names mean a lot of different things to different people, so there’s no guarantee that you’ll choose the perfect name. There are, however, names that everyone should avoid. For instance:

Shiloh Nouvel: Steer clear of this catastrophe and those like it. Nouvel is a French adjective that means “new.” Naming your baby random adjectives is not cool. It's like calling the kid Stealthy or Rotund. (In French that’s Furtif and Arrondi, FYI.) Sure, these words might look pretty, but they’re dynamite in disguise, like cat puke in a floral handbag.

Also, no fruit. Apple? No thank you. You might have gotten away with “Peaches” in the 60's but that was then and this is now. Just avoid anything adjectival or pertaining to fruit.

Edward: There’s nothing wrong with this name in itself; I simply question motive. If that motive has anything to do with a certain fanged, literary someone, I urge you to reconsider. The Twilight books are great, but with the way things are looking right now, the world of tomorrow will be a dangerous place, ridden with Volvo-driving, mind-reading crazy people. Who sparkle. While this may seem appetizing to many  a fangirl, keep in mind that these are your children we’re talking about. That’s just gross.

Sue: If your child is female, go crazy. If it’s a boy, well, I think Johnny Cash said it best.

Beelzebub: Nothing screams demon-child like naming your baby after an actual demon. I can easily picture the following, inevitable scenario:

Kindergarten Teacher: “Why, hello there! And what’s your name?”
Beelzebub: “The bane of your existence.”
KT: “That’s, um… interesting. Why don’t you have a se–?“
Beelzebub: *opens jaw, devours class, licks chops*

Why not go with something classy, like Fairfax or Eunice? Seriously, I’m waiting for someone to bring those back.

What do you plan to name your future monster baby?