Bad Ideas at the Beach

Who doesn't love the beach in the summer? (OK, maybe this guy. Or this guy.) But really. Sun, sea, sand—what could be wrong about that? Well, plenty, actually. Maybe it's the headiness of the salt air, or the wild abandon that wearing SPF invites, but we've noticed there is a curious intoxication that overtakes people at the beach. And some (we won't name names) are known to use beach vacations as an opportunity to take their bad idea jeans out for a summer spin.

The following may sound like great ideas sometime between your second game of paddle ball and your afternoon nap... but trust us; they're not.

• Carrot oil. You can't rush the tan. Slather this goop over your sun-prone skin, and you will end up basting like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. There is nothing hot about peeling like an onion, and a really horrendous burn will sideline you for the rest of the trip. SPF: Use it. (And use it before you're covered in sand—ouch).
• Hermit crabs. We don't know who convinced America that tiny, spider-like crabs that live in abandoned sea shells would make good pets, but they're about as fun as sea monkeys. They start to smell after a few days, and they don't even do tricks. Are you really gonna take them home and give them the love and care they deserve? Then leave them at Seashell City.
• Body piercing or tattoos. We have more than one friend who has left a boardwalk with an extra hole or two in her body. Would you normally puncture yourself just before facing extended exposure to sun and sand? Maybe you should squeeze a little lemon juice on the fresh hole just to round out the experience.
• Cornrows or braids. You know what I want to do with my beach vacation? Sit in a chair for five hours while someone tugs at my sunburned scalp for the bargain price of $80. And then I want to spend two days trying to take out the braids before finally becoming so frustrated I just cut all my hair off! Yippeee! Sounds silly, doesn't it? Well, it looks even sillier.
• Bodysurfing in a bikini. It's a little-known and highly effective way to get sandburn.
• Questionable seafood. You can get some of the best, freshest seafood there is at the beach. But if the price of the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet at Burt's Krab Shack sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If you get food poisoning, you'll be more worried about finding a bathroom than about avoiding tan lines.
• Questionable fling. Summer flings, as we've discussed, are to summer as heat is to the sun: an inevitable byproduct of intense chemical reactions and natural conditions. The problem is a phenomenon known as "beach goggles," whereby a tan transforms a boy or girl you would never consider romantic material during the school year into an irresistible god/goddess for approximately one week, or until one of you goes home, after which your beach goggles are removed and you recoil in horror.
• That white/American flag/Budweiser bathing suit from Wings. Maybe it really did look cute on the mannequin. We'll give you the benefit of the doubt there, but flags are for flagpoles, beer labels are for beer bottles, and yes, you can see through it.

Tell us about your beach vacation!