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Why Is That Guy Driving Without A Shirt?

Why Is That Guy Driving Without A Shirt?

By Dan_Bergstein

The warm months bring out many bizarre behaviors. Among the weirdest? Shirtless drivers. On any given day during the summer, you can spot at least one guy behind the wheel of his car sans shirt. We here at SparkNotes are not prudes offended by the lack of clothing. We're just baffled. What motivates a shirtless driver? Since we're too timid to ask one ourselves, we made up a list of theories.

  • He feels that covering up his tribal art tattoo would be like smothering his soul. (He wrote a song about this, in case you'd like to hear more about it.)

  • He can't afford a shirt because he spent all of his money on pants, hats, sandals, thumb rings, and woven necklaces.
  • He is a gullible emperor.
  • He just got off work from his job as a bodybuilder.
  • He just got off work from his high-pressure Wall Street job. He works hard. He plays hard. He drives hard.
  • After he lost his hearing in a tragic beach volleyball accident, he can only appreciate the music of Disturbed by absorbing the sound directly through his chest.
  • If he wore his shirt, he would have nothing to fling over his shoulder as he walked through the amusement park.
  • He had an argument with his shirt after his shirt promised to go to the shore with him, but then bailed at the last minute.
  • He doesn't want service at any restaurant.
  • All of his tank tops are at the tailor getting altered.
  • To save humanity, he was sent back in time from the future. But in the future, technology has made shirts obsolete, and he hasn't adapted to our era yet. (He may also ask for directions to "New Florida" and say things such as, "Zippers? What are…zippers?")
  • He's not wearing a shirt because this is America, dammit. Get your laws off his body.
  • He's a diehard sports fan who is meeting his friends at the stadium, where they will spell out "Go Team" on their bellies. He will be the empty space between the words, to avoid possible "Got Eam" mispronunciations.
  • He's allergic to fabric and class.
  • He's on his way to an audition for an upcoming reality show with "Love" in the title.
  • He's a frugal werewolf who is always prepared for a surprise full moon.
  • His only clean shirt promoted a cause he doesn't believe in, and he doubts his peers would be wise enough to spot the irony.
  • His nipples have an uncanny sense of direction.
  • He doesn't want his opera cape to get wrinkled.
  • He just put a big tailpipe on his car, and now he's worried that his Honda can reach speeds fast enough to burn the clothes of his body. So to prevent a forest fire, he doesn't wear a shirt. He's the real hero.
  • He needs to prove to his crew that he's not wearing a wire, or gaining weight. (His crew can be quite catty.)
  • He always dreamed that this is how he would meet his future wife.
  • He was shirt-jacked at gunpoint, and for some deep-rooted psychological reason, he thinks the robbery was his own fault, so he refuses to acknowledge the crime.
  • He is wearing a shirt. It's just that our X-ray vision has finally kicked in.
Topics: Life
Tags: driving, cars, clothes, why is that guy...

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