Assassinations, Invasions, Beheadings, and Other Text-Worthy Moments in History

If you’ve ever watched an episode of the original Saved by the Bell, you know that cell phone technology was, er, a bit different back in the mid-1990s. Whereas today’s phones let you do everything from texting to gaming to taking ill-advised digital photographs of your unmentionables, the phones of your SparkNotes editors’ adolescence could do only two things:

a) make calls, and b) seriously injure somebody if thrown. (Seriously, look at that thing! It’s fracking ENORMO!)

We’re grateful that evolved technology means we no longer have to worry about getting beaten to death with a cell phone, but new cells present their own unique challenges. What do we mean? Witness the following text convo we just had with our 13-year-old cousin:

Cousin: Hi hru!
Us: What? Huh? Who?
Cousin: Ur kdg rite?
Us: Is your phone broken?
Cousin: SFTU! Ofc not!
Us: What’s the matter? Why are you typing in another language?! Are you on drugs? ARE YOU BEING KIDNAPPED?!
Cousin: o plz. j2luk, u FAIL. l8r.
Us: (head explodes)

Fortunately, with the use of our good friend The Internet, we now know that our cousin was not being kidnapped, but rather, was only trying to say hello to us using as few characters as possible. So efficient! So fun! Really, it’s too bad that texting wasn’t available as a form of communication during pivotal moments throughout history. Imagine if they’d had it in ancient Rome…

Or colonial America…

Or—

Oh. Anne, ewww! TMI!

Think you can outdo our “Great Moments in Texting”? Leave your texts, tweets, and IMs from famed historical figures in the comments.