Editor's Note: Here's Part II of this week's Chris Listens. If you haven't already, read Part I.
I really want to learn how to dance, but I have two left feet. It's really frustrating because practically everyone in my grade can dance like an extra in one of the million-gazillion dance movies in theaters these days. Whenever I try to dance, people assume it's going to suck because I don't really dance and when I try to, it’s kind of ugly. I don't really want to take lessons because everyone else my age is good, and it would be all awkward and embarrassing to have people laugh at me while I stumble around in a tutu. I've now been reduced to dancing in the shower, and I'm getting tired of it. What should I do?
You think two left feet is bad, I have three left feet and two left hands. In my experience, the key is to embrace whatever skills you have and not care what other people think. Don't be embarrassed. When you bust a move, bust it with conviction, and people will respect your maneuvers even if you have no idea what you're doing. Also, you may think your moves are ugly, but think of it this way: You’ve got a unique style. You’re not a standard-issue rug-cutter like those extras in the dance flick. Now, if you want to be a ballet dancer, you may have to invest in some lessons and silly shoes, but if you just want to wil' out in front of your friends, check your self-consciousness at the curb and let the music lead the way.
Hey. I am a freshman/sophomore right now. I am scared and tired and upset about a lot of things. I am scared about the future, that I'm going to fail, make mistakes that will completely alter myself and my future. I am scared that I will turn into my mom, who turned into her mom, who turned into her mom. My mom is constantly pretending to like her mom (my grandma), who holds grudges, chooses favorites, blames people for things they didn't do, and makes up stories of things people didn't do. My mom is becoming her. I don't want to be that person. I'm scared cause I am already turning into her. I love the things she loves. I am afraid I might have to get surgery because of my stomach problems. I am afraid I will fail because I am taking all honors classes next year. Everyone knows I can do it. But I want to get good grades and not start to hate school. Also I have many best friends because I have known most of them since I was 4. I can only tell 2 everything. One of them I have to share with my sister and the other is constantly busy and she is starting college next school year. I am a very smart person and I know that. My mind is thinking constantly. It's not just daydream thinking, it's analyzing, describing, reviewing for tomorrows quiz, explaining everyday things. When I come up with something, my parents won't listen to me. If they do they tell me I'm wrong, IT MAKES ME SOOO MAD. Why won't they even think about what I'm saying? I don't know what I want to do in the future. I know I want to be a teacher. I have had two teachers this year and last that have changed my life completely. Also I know that I want to do something in fine arts. When I play music or paint or sing, I stop thinking. All of it goes away. Do I want it to go away?
Hey there. I understand what you are going through. I also have a tendency to overthink everything, and worry about everything, and think about the future too much. What I’ve noticed is that I could conceivably worry about every single thing in life, to the point that I would no longer have the brainpower or energy to do anything. So while I don’t ignore the future, I primarily focus on individual, more manageable tasks. Instead of worrying about failing your honors classes, address each assignment as it comes up and do the best you can on that assignment. Instead of worrying that your mom is turning into your grandma, put a positive spin on things when you notice her being negative. If you know you want to be a teacher and do something with fine arts, think about studying to become an art or music teacher. Some colleges have especially good programs for art and music education, so you may want to check them out. If you take control of the smaller stuff, you’ll probably feel better about the bigger things. High school is a very overwhelming time and you have a lot on your plate. You don’t want the thinking to go away, but it’s impossible to think about everything at once without feeling completely paralyzed. If you feel like you just can’t handle everything, you should talk to someone you trust. And just so you know: you will make mistakes. But it's ok, everyone does. You'll also do a lot of fantastic things that amaze everyone you know. Now that's something to look forward to.
I have a very “confuzzling” friend to deal with here. We used to be great friends for years, and we’d do fun things at the mall and sleepovers and stuff, but one day she decided to totally ignore me—like I didn’t exist—as well as the rest of the group, save 2 people. (FYI we’re high-schoolers.) She’ll be sitting in one spot and if some of us come near, she’ll simply grab her stuff and walk away. Sometimes, if it’s just one of us who’s talking with someone she’s with, she’ll refrain from acknowledging that person’s existence. Her reasons for ignoring the rest of us are very childish and hypocritical (I wish I can tell you but it would be too long) and in my opinion it is really stupid of her to just throw away all those great friendships based on assumed reasons—that aren’t even true. What I want to know is if blatantly ignoring your friends like that—without giving them a chance to talk things out—is childish or not.
Although I don’t know why your friend has adopted this new confuzzling persona, I am reasonably confident in pronouncing her actions as childish. If you can’t get through to her directly, try to get in touch via a mutual friend and arrange a powwow. Ideally you'll have a civilized discussion and everyone will share their opinions and any problems or misunderstandings will be cleared up. Of course, there’s a chance that nothing will be fixed, but at least you’ll have given it a shot. At that point, you can agree to go your separate ways, which may be for the best anyway.
I just wanted to know: Is it really better for girls to dress conservatively for guys to notice them or dress in sexy clothes? I don't want negative attention, but I don't want zero attention either.
In my opinion, I don’t believe you (or any girl) should think “I am going to dress conservatively” or “I am going to dress in sexy attire.” I think you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable, confident, and stylish. You should dress in a way that makes you feel most like yourself, because you want people to give you attention for who you are, not what you wear.
[Editorial note: The last one’s a bit long. But it’s worth reading!]
There's this guy. I have liked him for like two years now and I've talked to him every once in a while, but never really got that into him until Friday. So I was on Facebook, and he randomly says, "Hey beautiful :)" So I was like, "haha hey Sam." And so then we had a mini convo before he asked me for my number and if I have texting and I was like, "Yeah," and he told me to text him later on that night so I did and then he texted me all weekend and some of his texts included:
"Holy crap. You're like, absolutely beautiful. And I say that to a lot of girls just cause I'm nice. But I really meant it. You're… Wow."
"I just saw the best ass ever. Lol. Oh wait I forgot how nice yours is, sorry."
"I still can't get over how pretty you are :p You're gorgeous."
And those are only a few of what the whole weekend consisted of. And then he asked me to go to the movies with him. I know I should have been expecting it to be a date, but he asks so many girls to go to the movies with him that I just figured we were going as friends. (He used to be on drugs and alcohol and told me he lost his v-card at fourteen, so I kind of figured this was no big deal for him). So anyways, when we got there, he paid for the movie. And then I was ordering my coke and I asked for the medium, but he goes, "Just make it a large." And so then he asked me if I wanted one or two straws and I was like, "two" and he goes, "share-o-phobe" as though I was afraid to share with him, which I WASN'T but I'm kind of awkward when it comes to these things and I didn't want him to think I was being weird or something. So then we hang out outside the theater for a while and chat and stuff and then when we go in he confesses his whole life's story about how he got drunk and tried to hurt his three best friends, which sent him into a wave of depression and on and on. I was okay with this. And then he started rubbing my thigh, which seemed, I don't know, weird or out of place for just two friends hanging out. (Why didn't someone tell me this was a date?!) So I was like, "Sam!" And then he tried like literally fifteen times, no joke, and I always got mad at him, so he was like, "What's wrong with that?" and I go "It's bad." And he says, "What's bad about that?" or "Is that just what your parents say? It's not bad for our age," so I would say, "I don't know, it just is!" and "Well I mean, they wouldn't like it" in response to his questions. And then he would say "Aren't you a bummer..." and "Do you know how stupid you sound right now?" Before this, he took one of the straws and shoved it down my shirt so I was like, "It's all sticky now," and then he started rubbing my chest and pushing on it and playing with my bra and UGH this has never happened to me before so I didn't know how to react except be like, "Sam!" And he was being so flirty and I wasn't responding at all hardly. Many other events occurred on this majorly awkward date, but basically, at the end he's like, "See you soon, or maybe even next year" because he got expelled but is coming back next year and it's the end of the year now. And he went to the bathroom twice. These signals do not point to interested, I know. And the thing is, it's not that I don't like him or was super uncomfortable with what he was doing, I just 1) didn't want to seem like a slut because he gave me the impression that I wasn't just another girl he was calling hot and that he actually liked me, although now that I think about it he probably says that to all the girls he flirts with. I realllllly wanted him to like me. 2) I didn't know this was a date and was completely not expecting this. 3) I was really nervous to begin with but this only upped the nervousness by like a gazillion. 4) This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I didn't know how to react. UGHHHH!!!!!
So then the next day I texted him and was like, "Thanks for the movies last night. I’m not usually that boring haha i was just really nervous :p" and all he says is "haha okay. thanks for going with me." I hate those short dumb texts, like "haha okay" when i was really trying hard to explain what happened without sounding weird. Anyway, so then I was like, "no problem it was fun :) the movie was kind of lame though" and he goes "yeah..." so I figured that meant he was done with me because that sounds so uninterested and like he just really is not that into me. And so then later on he says "hey" and so I start a conversation, which eventually dies out and then even later on I sent him random song lyrics and we got talking about music which lasted for a while only then it also died out. So this morning he sends me the name of a band and we started talking about that again only then when I said his yearbook picture was really cute and that mine made me look like I was getting struck by lightning all he says is "haha okay." STUPID UNINTERESTED MINI-TEXTS!! And then I figured, well I might as well give it one last try, which I did tonight. So I said. "Heyyyy" and he was like "Hey! :)" and so I was like how are you doing and that kind of thing and so on and he sounded pretty into it and then it got dull so I was randomly like, "I really want some orange juice right now" and he goes "..." so to myself I was like, whoa YOU'RE RETARDED WHAT A DUMB THING TO SAY HE MUST THINK YOU ARE SO STUPID. So then I didn't text him back.
Sorry that you had to read my little mini novel here, Chris. And I'm not even really sure what I'm asking you. I guess I just would really enjoy some advice and feedback and interpretation of my weird weekend and how to react and other such responses. PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU. This has been bothering me lately, and as weird as it sounds, almost to the point of tears, because I reallllllly liked him. I just need some help please.
Thanks for sending me your mini-novel—I appreciate you laying out the whole situation for me. To be brutally honest, I am a little worried about you and this guy. Mostly I am worried about this guy. In my opinion, he's more than a little sketchy. The following details from your story are pretty clear warning signs:
1. He goes out with a lot of girls
2. He used to be on drugs and alcohol
3. He tried to hurt his friends and he is/was depressed
4. He talks about other asses he's seen
5. He called you "stupid" and "a bummer"
6. He was expelled
7. He touched you multiple times even though you were not receptive and it made you uncomfortable
8. He sends you a ton of mixed messages and weird conflicting signals in conversation, online, and via text message
He must have some redeeming characteristics, right? You didn't elaborate on what you really like about him, but I'm not sure what kind of positives could outweigh these negatives. He certainly didn't treat you with respect over the weekend, and I have no reason to believe that he would treat you any differently in the future. Do you know if he's treated other girls this way?
My conclusion: You are waaaaaaaay too good for him. And you are neither stupid nor retarded.
My advice: Move on! You can do waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.
If you’ve got Q’s, I’ve got A’s. Send ‘em to chris@sparknotes.com.
By: Chris_Diken
Tags: chris listens, friendships, texting, college, siblings, dance
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