Retroactive School Goals

For graduating seniors, the end of the school year is a time to look back on the last thirteen or so years and reflect on what you've accomplished. That's easy enough for valedictorians, but your school probably only has one of those and you're statistically unlikely to be it. There's always perfect attendance, but that's even rarer. And for those of you who accidentally blew up some part of your school, or perpetrated some other noteworthy bit of mayhem, your legacy is secure. But for the rest of you, we just know there's got to be something you can be proud of throughout your K-12 career. To help you think of what that might be, we've devised this little list to jog your memory:

13 years of never having your fly down. Sure, lots of people left their barn doors open in primary school, but you never did. Or at least you never got caught at it, which amounts to the same thing.

13 years of every single teacher mispronouncing your last name on the first day of class. Whether your last name is a torrent of consonants or simply Smyth, now you'll go out into the world knowing how to recognize a call from a telemarketer.

13 years of never going to the bathroom during the day. We know school restrooms can be scary, but dude, that's not healthy. This award is a small bit of recognition for the irrevocable damage you've done to your intestines.

13 years of never getting detention. You're a better person than us if you've made it this far without ever having to stay after school. Pat yourself on the back. On the flip side, you can also claim credit for 13 years of consistent detention. Trust us, your teachers will appreciate your commitment to willful antagonism, and you should be proud of it.

13 years of never seeing a movie or TV show set in high school. Congratulations, you have a much better idea of what goes on in a high school than most of your peers do.

13 years of never studying earlier than the night before a test. You stuck by your guns and you got through it. Unfortunately, college will be quite a rude awakening...assuming you got into one.

13 years of never speaking to the person you've crushed on since kindergarten. Hey, there's always the graduation party!

Tell us about your own remarkable accomplishments in the comments. Unless it's 13 years of never commenting on a website, because we'd hate to be the ones to mess that up for you.