Between the bad-touch ban, the prom suspension fiasco, and the gal from Wisconsin who got arrested for hiding a cellphone in her behind, your SparkNotes editors can’t help noticing that 2009 has truly been the year of the Stodgy School Administrator. You know who we’re talking about: those angry higher-ups who’ve been running around policing dress codes, regulating hugs, and threatening to withhold your diplomas just ‘cause you threw a few thousand bouncy balls down the stairs. Sheesh. If high school is a party, these guys are what the French might call les poopers de resistance!
But with the school year nearly over, you probably thought the crotchety antics of the Anti-Fun Brigade were on hold for a few months. Not so fast, Sparklers: they've claimed another victim. (Insert threatening climactic music here!)
This time, the AFB set their sights on Harvard-bound senior and number one achiever Jem Lugo, who was set to give the valedictorian’s speech at Springstead High School’s graduation ceremony. Jem penned a fun and thought-provoking send-up of graduation’s usual oratory fare, only to get smacked down by admins who deemed the speech offensive and insisted that she read something else. The result? Where the class of 2009 would have been hearing this:
“We survived 13 grueling years of school, all for this moment, where we get to wear gowns that kind of remind me of a silk version of a Snuggie, and these hats that make every single one of us look absolutely ridiculous. Hate to break it to you, but no one looks good in these hats.”
Instead, they were met with this:
“Right now, this is the most important moment of your life, the pinnacle of everything you have worked for over the past 13 years. You will walk out of this stadium tonight as a changed individual. You have scaled the mountain, overcome the obstacles, won the game.”
Well…. okay! We’ll hand it to Springstead High’s administrative juggernauts: speech number two is certainly not offensive. Nope! It’s more… hmm. What’s the word we’re looking for? It’s right on the tip of our tongue, it’s so close, it’s…
Oh, that’s it.
If we were really crass, we might come right out and call the AFB’s banal stinker of a speech an Originality FAIL. But since we're far too (Originality!) mature and well-adjusted (FAIL!) to do something like (ORIGINALITY FAIL!) that, we’ll just say that... well, those hats really don’t look good on anyone.
Want to see the rest of the speeches? Click here to read ‘em side by side! Want to share your fave graduation quotables? Comments!