Well, Sparklers, it’s come to this. Get in here, close the door, and sit down, ‘cause we need to have a serious discussion about your behavior.
See, it used to be that we couldn’t turn on the television or open a newspaper without reading a terrifying story about rainbow parties, or sexting, or teens who used their phones so much that their thumbs were worn down to tiny, vestigial nubs. Teens were out of control, and the media couldn’t get enough of it. Good heavens, the excitement! The illegality! The possibility of opening up your 13-year-old cousin’s cellphone and seeing a picture of UNMENTIONABLES!!!
And now? Well, let’s just say that you guys have totally dropped the ball, because lately, the only teen behavior the media can find to freak out about is hugging.
According to this article from the New York Times, a hugging epidemic is sweeping schools across the nation. Panicked administrators are forced to sit helplessly by and watch as students wrap their arms around each other in a friendly-yet-nonsexual manner. Can you imagine the panic they must feel, Sparklers? CAN YOU?!
So listen guys, we’re not telling you to commit murder, get pregnant, spray-paint a goat, or commit murder while spray-painting a pregnant goat… but y’all are gonna need to kick it up a notch if you want to maintain your reputations as ne’er-do-well psychopaths with poorly-formed moral sensibilities. We know it’s been a while since you behaved badly, so here are some suggestions to get you started:
Now go on, get out there and go a little crazy before we’re forced to spend the next ten years reading panicked headlines like, “High School Students Wear Green T-Shirts; Gang Investigation Continues” or “Teens Sharing Pencils: An STD Risk?” and watching in horror as you do crazy things like get your drivers’ license and pass tenth grade.
Want to suggest your own gateway behavior for kids who’ve forgotten their responsibility to be irresponsible? Comment away!
By: kat_rosenfield
Become a fan on Facebook »
Follow us on Twitter »
»
