Salutatorian v. Valedictorian: Battle of the Graduation Speeches

If you happen to be the class salutatorian, you will be asked to give a speech at the graduation ceremony. Now is your one and only chance to steal the valedictorian's thunder by giving an address that will become a thing of legend seconds after the words exit your mouth. To help you out, we here at SparkNotes have a few suggestions.

• Set realistic goals for the future. Most speakers at gradation, especially from the student body, will encourage their peers to make the world a perfect place. One-up these blowhards by setting more realistic goals. For instance, vow never to kill pandas, and ask your class to make the same pledge.

Not only is anti-panda-killing a crowd pleaser, it's something you can actually accomplish in your lifetime. In thirty years, when the valedictorian is still trying to end poverty, war, disease, and the looming robot apocalypse, you will have achieved your goals.

• No clichéd quotes. A lot of important dead people said a lot of interesting things about opportunity. That doesn't mean these thoughts need to be quoted in the introduction to your speech. Buck the trend by citing more relevant thinkers. A speech that begins, "T-Pain said it best, when he rapped…" is a speech everyone will relate to.
• Keep it short. Two minutes, tops. Any longer than that, and the only people who are still listening are your family members, and even they're wishing you would hurry up so you can all go out to eat at Perkins. To help ensure a short speech, omit all verbs.
• Don't mention friendship. Every other speaker at graduation will bring up the importance of friendship—but it's not like there are people in the audience who doubt the significance of the bond. Friends are terrific. We know this. No one needs to be reminded. It's like giving a speech entitled, "You Know What's Great? Food."
• Make everyone rise. At the beginning of your speech, ask the audience and graduates to please rise. They will. You have complete control over them. Then proceed with your speech and walk offstage, without ever saying "please be seated." Enjoy your brief brush with dictatorship as everyone awkwardly looks to one another for leadership.
• Make it rhyme. It's difficult to pull off, but so very worth it in the end. Trust us. We suggest ending the first sentence with the word "red" and then going from there. (Keep in mind that "bed" and "bunk bed" don't really rhyme because they are pretty much the same word.)
• Steal a page from Us Weekly's playbook. If you really want to draw people in, discuss celebrity gossip. We suggest revealing whose side you are on in regards to the Jon and Kate Plus Eight scandals. This topic sells millions of weekly magazines, so just imagine what it can do for your speech. (No really. Go ahead and imagine it. We'll wait.)
• Giveaway prizes. Throughout your speech, shout out random trivia questions. The first person to raise his or her hand and answer the question correctly wins a prize. Prizes must be t-shirts, because everyone loves winning t-shirts. (You can substitute bumper stickers for t-shirts, if you're poor.)