I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... and Then Somebody Gets Eaten By Zombies

Ah, summertime! ‘Tis the season for long languid days, hot sultry nights, and, most important, SCREAMING YOUR FACE OFF IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.

Horror movies are a warm weather tradition. They counterbalance the serious films of Oscar season with the kind of delightfully mindless entertainment that can only be had from watching a clueless babysitter wandering around in a dark house calling, “Who’s there?!” until a serial killer/monster/flesh-eating zombie leaps out of the darkness and eats her.

There’s just one problem:

For every masterpiece of modern cinematic horror, there are ten putrescent projects that ought never to have seen the light of day (or the inside of your living room). So before you start beefing up your Netflix queue with Freddy, Jason, and Jamie Lee Curtis, make sure to check out our guide to the best in summer screams. Beginning with…

…Zombies!
They’re coming for you, Barbara! The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us, and legions of the ravenous undead have taken to the streets in search of human flesh. For the best of the genre, begin with the 1968 classic Night of the Living Dead. Then, up the terror level with the more recent 28 Days Later (IMO, possibly the best zombie movie ever made.) Those with strong stomachs should finish up with Peter Jackson’s gore-tastic Dead Alive; those whose fingernails have been chewed down to tiny, ragged nubs can get some much-needed comic relief with Shaun of the Dead.

…Ghosts!
Was that a footstep in the hallway? A whisper on the stairs? A wide-eyed child whispering, “I… see… DEAD PEOPLE”?! For a case of the screaming meemies that’ll last all night long, you can’t beat a good haunting. Start out with the classic Amityville Horror (the 1979 version is better), then pop in The Others or The Sixth Sense for creepy atmospheric drama. Finish up with Japanese-inspired The Ring, or expand your horizons with the terrifying El Orfanato (Spanish with English subtitles.)

…Monsters!
Monster movies have fallen by the wayside of late (except for Cloverfield, but let’s pretend that exercise in suckitude never happened, shall we?), but the sight of man in a face-off with hideous, otherworldly beasts never gets old. Get off to an easy start with 1958’s The Blob, then ramp the horror up to eleven with 2005 screamfest The Descent. Finish up with The Host, a massively underrated flick in the tradition of classic monster movies from Korea.

…Teen Screams!
That guy in the hockey mask walks about as fast as my grandmother, but fortunately for him, speed doesn’t matter when you’re stalking a cast of total morons. Whet your appetite for camp-tastic terror with the classic Friday the 13th, then invite Jamie Lee Curtis (known as The Scream Queen before she started shilling yogurt) into your home with Prom Night and Halloween. Finish up with Scream, the entertaining meta send-up of the entire genre. (Note: Movies this campy are better enjoyed with a group.)

What’s your favorite scary movie? Are you alone in the house? OMG what was that noise?!! Tell us in the comments!