How to Survive a Party

Welcome back to the world of Liz_Nash, a super Sparkler with some great tips on how to come out of a party in one piece. To catch up with Liz, check out her other Sparkler posts: Sorry Charlie and Fake Your Way Through an Essay!

Admit it: Your Friday nights are spent playing Halo 3 and watching obscure Japanese anime shows. The thing is, you’ll be banished to Social Siberia forever if you don’t show up at the end-of-the-year party everyone’s been talking about since September. Seeing as the last time you actually interacted with someone was with your cat Sparkles, you’re pretty much screwed in the cool department. How in the world do you use your socially-deprived skills to make it through the night alive? Chances are that no one cares that you can do the Daft Hands dance while blindfolded.

Here are some tips so that you survive the night:

-Get into a group by finding someone you recognize and say their name. “Hey, Sarah,” sounds much better than “Hey, Girl from History Class, I’ll just stand here like a stalker.”

-Blast away on the competition on Guitar Hero. Your hand-eye coordination should be superb from all those other video games, and having skills on Guitar Hero is actually worshipped.

-Bring along a friend. One of those social faux pas is to stand alone drinking punch in the corner of the room. It’s a bonus if the friend is of the opposite sex.

-Try not to get into a conversation where you don’t know anything about the topic. You’ll end up sounding like an idiot. For example: if someone mentions how they cried during the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, don’t answer, “Yeah, and then Juliet has to go kill herself.”

-Hit on a topic that's at least semi-recent: KRIS WON LYK WOAH.

-If you don’t know anyone at the party, walk around like you’re looking for someone. Don’t stand still, or risk blending into the curtains.

-Bring a cell phone. If you’re ever alone, pretend to text someone.

-If people are dancing, join them. For some reason, on the dance floor, everyone is friends with everyone.

-Don’t bring up Twilight. Everyone is sick of EdwardEdwardEdward and the word “topaz.”

-Avoid talking about anything you like. It sounds harsh, but “cool” people enjoy talking about fashion and boys, not how you totally owned that totally annoying guy in Street Fighter IV last night.

-Learn pick-up line comebacks.

-If you know there won’t be anyone you know at the party, dress differently than you normally do and adopt a foreign accent (preferably British). Everybody loves accents!

-Avoid talking about school. No one cares about your last Calculus test. No one.

-Try not to hit on someone. Chances are they already have a boy/girlfriend, and then you’ll get into the whole, “DidyouseeJamietalkingwiththatgirllikewearetotallymadathernow.”

-Smile. But not too much.

All in all, parties aren’t all that bad—that is, if you know how to survive.

So, Sparklers, any tips on surviving the night? Have there been any parties that were pure torture?