Auntie SparkNotes Will Not Tolerate Fathead Fungusface

This week brought us a comment from a young lady with exceptionally fabulous taste in advice columnists.

Hey Auntie Sparknotes,
Another great, funny answer for us! I hope you may have one for my own question: I go to school online, therefore, I spend most of my day on the computer. As a result, many of my close friends I have met online. One of these friends (we’ll call him Phil, because any name that starts with a ‘Ph’ is pretty pimpin’ in my book) and I got expecially close. We used to flirt A LOT on MSN and such. Until, that is, I asked him straight out if he was actually interested in ME or just looking for mindless flirtatious fun. He skirted around the question, so I cooled off and put an end to the flirting. I really liked him so I was pretty hurt for awhile. Soon, though, I got over it and moved on.

Lately though, he’s been coming to chats with all of our friends (we all chill in chatrooms sometimes) and whining to me, saying things like ‘Why don’t we ever chat anymore?’ (we do, just not the way he wants, along with petty things like ‘Take me back…’, ‘you’re mean’ and ‘Are you bored with me?’. I’m not the first girl he had flirted with online. And I should probably mention that just before talking about the above, he was bragging about his STEADY GIRLFRIEND. What do I need to do to get this guy to back off?

Aww. It warms the cockles of Auntie SparkNotes' little heart to get such lovely compliments from the Sparkly commentariat. But before my head gets too enormous, let's move on to your question.

First of all, you deserve serious props for asking Phil straight-up about his behavior. The advice-seekers who write in each week to ask how they can find out if somebody likes them would do well to take a page out of your playbook. (Ahem! Take note!) But alas, despite Phil’s pimpin’ Ph-name, nothing can change the fact (phact?) that he’s also a big phat phool.

Hey, you’re right—this “ph-" stuff is kinda pimpin'. And frankly, I’m not sure Phil even deserves the distinction of that Ph-. In fact, we’re stripping him of it…. now. And hereafter, we will call him Fathead Fungusface. Because we can.

So, Fathead Fungusface has proved pretty unequivocally that he’s an insecure, manipulative jerk who not only uses these online flirtations to boost his sad, saggy ego, but also can’t stand it that somebody (you) got wise to his game and refused to keep playing. (Auntie SparkNotes also suspects that his “steady girlfriend” is about as real as Heidi Montag’s nose.) But since you want him to back off, and you’re rock-solid-awesome at being straightforward, there’s nothing wrong with telling Fathead Fungusface exactly what you told us. For example:

Fathead Fungusface: Why don’t we ever chat anymore? Take me back! Whine whine whine.
You: We do chat, just not the way you want.

(To be potentially followed by, “And I’m not going to flirt with you anymore, so please stop asking.”)

Be direct, be firm, and be unapologetic about how fed up you are with his shenanigans. Of course, his previous behavior doesn’t give me much hope that he’ll offer a decent response in the form of, say, an apology for being such a disingenuous attention-monger—but knowing for sure that you won’t play his game should be incentive enough for him to quit trying. He might be a Fathead Fungusface, but he’s probably not a glutton for punishment.

Do you know a Fathead Fungusface? Got some good advice for our letter-writer? Need a question answered by the infinitely wise Auntie SparkNotes? Leave it in the comments, or send your questions to advice@sparknotes.com.