The Last Day of School: Do's and Don'ts

School is winding down; you can almost taste the freedom. If you haven't already, it's time to start thinking about the epic last day. Luckily, we've developed a handy guide for those who wish to get maximum enjoyment from the most wonderful day of the year. Presenting:

Do's and Don'ts: SparkLife's Guide to Reveling in the Last Day of School

• Do go to school. Even if you have a fever caused by a gunshot wound to the lungs, you won't want to miss the last day.
• Don't get emotional. There is no room for tears. This is a time to have fun. You and your BFFs can sit around and weep about memories later, away from the teasing. If you can't help crying, just tell everyone your eyeballs are sweaty.

• Do wear comfortable shoes. Most students will spend 96% of the last day on their feet. When not standing, you will be running, jumping, or jaunting. Leave the high heels and wheel-less rollerblades at home.
• Don't break up. Ending a relationship on the last day of school is like putting your dog to sleep on Christmas. Just like our dog Bark-tholomew, your relationship can be destroyed tomorrow. Today, enjoy yourself.
• Do bring a trash bag to lug home the contents of your locker. Once at home, leave the trash bag in your basement for seven years, and then finally put it on the curb to be thrown out.
• Don't overeat. If you stuff yourself with candy, pizza, and cupcakes, chances are good that all those calories, combined with all the excitement, will send you running to the bathroom. And then you'll have to explain to your grandkids why you weren't around when all the other students tossed the principal's car into the pool.
• Do eat. You can run on pure adrenaline for a while, but if you don't eat breakfast, you'll crash at around 1:30. To maintain energy throughout the day, keep some dried pork and popcorn in between your teeth for easy snacking.
• Don't fret about September. It's far too early to panic about next year. There's plenty of time in August to lose sleep worrying about your many enemies.
• Do stretch. Muscle cramps are no laughing matter.
• Don't drive. Let one of your friends chauffeur you around. Being stuck as the driver on the last day of school is horrible, because you must deal with your over-excited friends shouting things in your ear like, "This song sucks! Change it! Change it!" or, "Dude, drive up that grassy hill!" or, "Why, oh why, did I break up with Tara today?"
• Do wear a swim suit under your clothes. You will get wet. We can't tell you how you will get wet, because we promised not to ruin the surprise. Just trust us.
• Don't celebrate your birthday. No one will care that you just turned 17. No one. Not even your parents. Suck it up, and celebrate the following weekend.
• Do bring a camera.
• Don't lose the camera, unless you enjoy hearing your parents say, "Well, I guess you can't be trusted to have anything nice."
• Do remember to get your sweatshirt back from your friend, because she's leaving for Florida and you'll never see her again.
• Don't text. If you want to talk to someone, shout at them from across the room, or building. Better yet, sing to them. On the last day of school, we give you permission to be obnoxious.
• Do bring a pillow and a change of clothes, because who knows where you'll end up at night. (Also, tell your parents that you may be gone for the next 72 hours.)
• Don't ask questions. If you didn't understand The Brothers Karamazov, now is not the time to raise your hand and make the teacher explain it. Teachers want to leave too, you know. Instead, keep your hand lowered and we'll explain it to you later. (Hint: It's about life.)