Bad Food for New Love

Ideally, your boyfriend or girlfriend is someone around whom you can relax, be yourself, bask in the welcoming glow of their unconditional acceptance, etc. etc. In reality, though, it takes awhile to get to that point. Until then, you’ll probably want to be a bit careful about what you say, keep a handle on the background music, and–as outlined below–watch what you’re eating:

Spaghetti

We’ve all seen “Lady and the Tramp,” but spaghetti never works out this well in real life.

There’s just no way to win here. The “slurp, slurp” sounds that people make when inhaling noodles is an absolute romance killer, and if you spend all night carefully rolling the noodles around your fork to avoid making a mess your new bf is going to think you’re a maniac. Spaghetti is a good long-term relationship food, when you’ve built up a tolerance to each other’s personal tics. Until then, stick with the penne.

Anything that looks like a kindergartner’s bag lunch

Your girlfriend is a cultured, sophisticated person (at least that’s what you’ve been telling her), so you’d better appear to be the same. That doesn’t mean you have to hang around art galleries or take up professional mime-ing, but try not to give the impression that you’ve been eating milk and cereal three meals a day for the past seventeen years. Salads are good; sandwiches are okay (as long as they’re not on Wonderbread with the crusts cut off); cafeteria hotdogs should be avoided. It’s also a good idea to keep your peanut butter and mayonnaise infatuation secret in the early stages of romance.

Veal

An obvious no-go if you’re dining with a vegetarian (you’ll probably do well to have the tofu skewers), eating part of a baby cow is just generally a bad idea with a new girlfriend/boyfriend. For one, you don’t want to get into an argument about animal welfare in your first 24 hours together. For two, your date is going to be especially sensitive to the signals you send early on. The signal that veal sends is, “If the two of us ever had a baby I might eat it.”

A whole rack of lamb

…Or three pounds of barbequed ribs or a hamburger the size of a human head. In addition to the concerns that might be raised by veal (see above), the early stages of a relationship are simply a bad situation in which to show off your competitive eating prowess, especially if it means risking serious gastric discomfort later. Also, as delicious as all of these foods are, no one wants to make out with someone who smells like a grizzly bear.

Share your picks for food you don't want to see your new love eating, as well as any  food traumas you've been through in a relationship.