Dear (Name), I Really Want to (Verb) Your (Noun)

Since we’ve started taking your questions about prom pickles, friendship fiascos, and relationship rule-breakers, your SparkNotes editors have noticed a trend amongst our commentariat: Tons of you are harboring giant, sweaty crushes on somebody—a friend, a bandmate, or even a total stranger. Crushes that consume your soul. Crushes that could lead to lifelong (or at least month-long) romantic bliss for all involved…. if only you could confess your love!

But alas, when faced with the prospect of telling your crush that you like them—using words! Words that come out of your MOUTH!—some of you find that you just can’t do it. You’re too nervous, too frightened, too much of a… what’s the word?

Oh, yeah.
WEENIE.

But being a big fat weenie doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love. And that’s why your editors have provided you with this helpful form, which you need only fill out and give to your crush in order to confess your feelings.

What are you waiting for? Romantic bliss is only a (time increment) away!

Dear (crush’s name),
I’m writing this letter because I have something very important to tell you. You and I have been (verb ending in –ing) for (number) years, and you’ve always been a great (noun). But ever since (event), I’ve been having (adjective) feelings for you.

You are really the most (adjective) person I’ve ever (verb in the past tense), and I (verb) everything about you. The way the sunlight glints off your (body part), the way you (verb) at me, even the way you (verb) your (noun). When you look at me in that (adjective) way, my hands start to shake and I get all (adjective).

I know I’m no (name of a famous person), and I’m not very good at (competitive activity), but if you’ll go out with me, I promise never to make you (verb) or call you a (insulting word) like that jerk (name of crush's ex) did. So if you’re free on Saturday, I’d like to take you out for (food item) and then, if all goes well, maybe you’ll let me hold your (body part).

Love,

(your first name)

P.S. I know (name of mutual friend) told you that I was stalking you, but s/he is lying. I only came and looked in your bedroom window to watch you sleep, like, (number) times.
P.P.S. Sorry I’m such a weenie.