Sorry, Charlie, Girls Prefer Boys Who Don't Actually Exist

Liz_Nash is a super Sparkler who's last blog on SparkLife was smart, funny and may have even helped a few of you pass English class. Us SparkNotes editors have asked her to come back more often to share her fabu-wisdom. Look for Liz on SparkLife and enjoy her post!   -SparkNotes Editors

Chances are 80 to 90 percent of girls in your school are obsessed with Edward Cullen and/or some other fictional character that may or may not be sparkly and shimmery. You’ve got to admit that hearing “OMG TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB?”  day after day is rather taxing. And even if the Cullen family hasn’t yet infected your school (don’t worry, it will) then girls are still dripping hormones with their imagery-heavy fantasies of unhealthy things.

Male authors write perfect male characters in order to re-live (or re-create) their teenage years. If the author was the captain of the football team, then their character will reflect the manliness of the position; if the author was scrawny and mocked as a teen, then their character will be everything they wanted to be. Female authors, though, seem to write about the boyfriend/husband they wished they had.

The thing is, you don’t see guys jumping over themselves to get to Elizabeth Bennett or Hermione Granger. For some reason, most authors have incredibly good-looking male characters and many smart, independent girls that guys simply don’t dig. Maybe guys are more visual and have to see the goods in order to like ‘em. Then again, some people go overboard.

For the girls, here are the most common fictional heart-stealers:

Edward Cullen

This one speaks for himself. Maybe if guys lathered glitter paint over them, danced as they walked and had a tendency to attack a variety of carnivorous animals and butcher them to death as a tasty snack, girls would be more accepting of them. I mean, glitter paint comes off in the shower, right?

Mr. Darcy

Perchance it is the general exquisiteness and amiable Old School British accent that draws the womenfolk to the fascinating character of one Mr. Darcy. Any woman of a suitable nature is sure to acquiesce any request of gaining an acquaintance who speaks as if a rather hefty stick was placed in an area where, to quote, “the sun don’t shine.”

Harry Potter/any male character in the series

Harry Potter is creepily ubiquitous. He’s the classic underdog you can’t help but cheer for. He’s not the only man-meat in the series – there’re many fans of the “bad boys,” a.ka. Draco Malfoy and even Severus Snape. Worse, there are so many cleverly-placed innuendos that fangirls squeal over. Thousands of pubescent girls giggle when they read, “What are you doing with that wand, Harry?”

Eragon

Dragon riding is so the next big thing.

It seems to be that whenever a new book comes out everyone jumps on the Eragon bandwagon and hops right back off as the hype dies down. The movie wasn’t the biggest hit in the world, but Ed Speleers sure looked pretty darn fine. Luckily, no one can deny that years of dragon-training is the perfect workout for toned muscles and sculpted legs in front of a dramatic background.

Alex Rider

He’s James Bond for the younger generation. There’s something appealing about someone decked out in crazy gadgets and spy gear - there’s got to be a few people humming “SexyBack” right this minute. Then again, Alex Rider isn’t bringing sexy back, ‘cause sexy never left.

Questions for all you hormonal Sparklers out there: Any other fictional characters that cause you to drool over that nifty keyboard of yours? And guys, are there any female characters that catch your eye?