Disney Princesses: Live Happily Ever After, Even If You're a Total Freak

In recent years, Disney hasn't been that into princesses. Instead of cute girls in twinkly tiaras, it's given us other, funner fare: monsters, bugs, superheroes, and, of course, WALL-E. But with footage from brand-spanking-new flick The Princess and the Frog making rounds on the internet today, we're feeling a little nostalgic for old school Disney movies: one-note adaptations of classic boy-meets-girl tales that starred a hapless prince, co-starred a zoo’s worth of anthropomorphized talking animals, featured an epic romance, and always—ALWAYS!—finished up with a happy ending. And so we'd like to honor the classic Disney canon of insipid heroines with this awesome quiz titled…

Which Old-School Disney Princess Are You?

1. What do you look like?
a) Pretty and blonde
b) Pretty and brunette
c) Pretty and red-haired
d) Pretty and black-haired

2. In your spare time, you like to…
a) Make hats and coats for the rodents that infest your attic bedroom.
b) Read and then complain about how boring your life is.
c) Collect garbage.
d) Wash pair after pair of tiny underwear.

3. Your best friends are…
a) Mice and your fairy godmother.
b) Assorted talking furniture.
c) A crab with a Jamaican accent, and a really annoying flounder.
d) Seven dwa— er, “little people”.

4. What are you wearing?
a) Filthy rags and one really nice shoe.
b) Whatever the talking wardrobe suggested.
c) I have seashells glued to my boobs.
d) Giant puffed sleeves and a headband.

5. What’s your biggest problem?
a) My stepmother and stepsisters are heinous beyotches, and nobody invited me to the ball, and I lost my shoe, and waaaaaaahhhhhhh.
b) I’m in love with a giant beast with a major anger problem. And the rest of the time, I am sooo booooored.
c) I don’t have legs. Or when I do have them, I don’t have a voice. FML.
d) My stepmother is a witch who poisoned me, and my friends all have serious personality disorders, and I’m currently living in a glass coffin.

6. Your ideal boyfriend/girlfriend is…
a) A prince with a shoe fetish.
b) A prince with a massive amount of body hair.
c) A prince with legs.
d) A prince who doesn’t mind that I’m technically dead.

Ready for your results?

Mostly A’s: Cinderella
You dress like a slob, hang out with vermin, and have freakishly small feet. This would make you a big loser anywhere else, but in Disney-world, it means you get to marry the Prince. HOORAY.

Mostly B’s: Belle (of Beauty & the Beast)
For a pretty girl, you sure do spend an awful lot of time complaining about your “provincial life” and looking down on the common folk. But we’re sure you’ll be much happier with Prince Can’t-Control-My-Temper-While-I’m-Shedding-On-the-Furniture.

Mostly C’s: Ariel (of The Little Mermaid)
You’re kind of a wackjob (seriously, that thing with the statue? Totally creepy!) but, as always, your antics will get you your legs, your voice, and the man of your dreams. Just remember that up here, collecting people’s garbage is considered weird, not cute.

Mostly D’s: Snow White
You have serious family issues, your voice is bizarre, you play house with seven dudes, and, oh yeah, you’re DEAD. But no worries! Here comes your prince! Yeah, no, that’s not freaky at all.