How to Fake Your Way Through an Essay

Here at SparkNotes, we've been mining for rockstar Sparklers—real readers with such great advice they deserve their own talk show. Liz_Nash is a reader who totally knows what she's talking about. Enjoy her post!     -SparkNotes Editors

It happens to the best of us: You’re sitting at lunch, chatting with your best friend about how cute the Obamas' new dog looks, when that way-too-smart kid from your English class leans over and asks if you’re done your essay on some book you’ve never even heard of. Of course you’re done…wait, what?

You rack your brain: hmm...ah, right, that essay. The last time you'd thought of it was seconds before you got a text from Brianne, who needed immediate fashion help. You’re beginning to hyperventilate, how much was the essay worth again? You’re in luck-there’s a few ways to guarantee your survival:

Breathe

It won’t help if you go into shock or have a brain hemorrhage. It’s sad, but true. Sure, you might be able to fake a concussion for long enough to miss class, but eventually you’ll have to write the essay. Also, those pesky paramedics will probably be peeved at the lack of any injury.

Learn What the Topic is

It won’t do to write your essay on Atticus Finch’s poor fashion sense when you should have discussed Shakespeare’s misogynistic views of women. For that matter, you should probably learn what ‘misogynistic’ means.

Relate Everything to Yourself

What better topic to talk about? Read the back of the book and relate the characters’ experiences to your own hardships. Make it sad. If you can, involve some sort of personal triumph over the evils of the world: The teacher will forget about the essay and will be caught up in your life story.

Use Demonstrative Verbs

Demonstrative what? These verbs are teachers' drugs. The little linking words show that you have a “logical thought process.” While you may be drooling over Blair Waldorf’s amazing new bag, words that teachers absolutely fawn over include:
Implies
Demonstrates
Suggests
Emphasizes
Indicates
Conveys
Expresses
Represents
Displays
Think about it: instead of saying “Shakespeare was an idiot,” say “Shakespeare demonstrated his hatred for women by having female characters display negative character traits.”

Pure gold.

Explain Why the Essay Isn’t Typed

Assuming you learned about the essay only a few minutes before class starts, you’re going to have to figure out an excuse to explain why your essay is the farthest thing from doubled-spaced, 12-point Times New Roman. Be creative: somewhere in the essay mention how society “needs to get back to the basics” and that technology is wrecking the youth’s minds. If you go for the stock-standard “my printer broke last night” excuse, explain how you hand-copied the essay onto lined paper, and thus earn your teacher’s approval.

Hopefully you’ll be able to scrape past and get at least a slightly decent grade; and if not, well, there’s always summer school.

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