Graduation Party Tips, Part 2

As the school year winds down, party season draws closer and closer. We've already given you some Graduation Party Tips; here are 12 more crucial rules.

1. Mingle. If you've ever been to one of Sir Elton John's post-Oscar parties, you know he doesn't spend the whole time in the basement playing Call of Duty with his cousin. You need to make sure everyone sees you.

2. Plan for rain. Prepare for the worst by creating an alternate party plan. E.g.: Invite Tom Hanks. This way, people won't look back on your party and remember how the rain forced everyone inside where there weren't enough chairs and the air conditioning wasn't working. All they will remember is Tom Hanks, and how down-to-earth he was. They will also remember the hippopotamus (See previous tips).

3. Have a fight with your parents. This is less a tip than a prediction. At some point during every graduation party, the parents annoy the grad. Since the battle is inevitable, plan the shouting match ahead of time by preparing index cards with topics to bring up when the clash commences. For instance:

• The time when Dad forget to pick you up at the school.
• Mom's insane germ phobia.
• Dad's love of his iPhone vs. his love for you.
• Mom's nonsensical views on dating and relationships.
• The volume of Dad's voice when he laughs at Geico commercials.
• How stupid this town is.

4. Remove all photos from the bulletin board in your bedroom, unless you'll really enjoy explaining to your relatives why you're laughing so hard in the pictures.

5. Be polite. When given a graduation card, it's rude to open it and yank the check out without first reading the card. It's also rude to call out to your grandpa, "You're my boy, Blue!" because he doesn't get the reference.

6. Don't waste time making proper introductions between friends and family members. Your family won't remember the names of your friends, and your friends couldn't care less that Uncle Charles isn't really your uncle. Use the time you saved on introductions to spread rumors amongst your friends that your uncle Charles has mafia connections.

7. Make a mental note of where your 4-year-old relative put his shoes. If you don't, the end of the party will be postponed for at least 30 minutes as the family searches the entire house for said shoes. (For some reason, the shoes are usually in the computer room.)

8. Invite the neighbors. It's just easier this way. If you don't invite them, they will cut the lawn while your party is in full swing, making the whole place smell like cut grass, thus sparking allergy attacks. Uninvited neighbors also give creepy, forlorn looks from their kitchen windows.

9. With regards to your friends, keep the girl-to-guy ratio even. Too many girls means catty behavior and drama. Too many guys means embarrassing dares, stunts, and noises. Besides, you'll need an even number of guys and girls for the Pairs Figure Skating portion of your party (dancing with a pet is not allowed).

10. Tie balloons to the mailbox. This lets guests know where to go, and significantly brightens the day of your mail carrier. Plus, you'll be doing your part to stimulate the declining helium balloon industry.

11. Cut the cake in the worst possible way. Stab at the dessert, making diagonal gashes and circular cuts. This will ensure you will never have to cut the cake at any party ever again. (Warning: Depending on your level of ferocity, this method of cutting the cake may result in psychiatric intervention.)

12. Hug your aunt goodbye. She won't be around much longer. (She's going to Phoenix with her new boyfriend).