Fight! Fight! Fight!

If you're in high school, you've probably witnessed at least one fight. We here at SparkNotes aren't encouraging fights, but should you find yourself an innocent bystander, here are our top 6 tips for successful spectatorship.

1. Set your expectations low. Real-life fights last slightly longer than a commercial and are much less entertaining. Instead of witnessing inspired kung fu moves, you will the two combatants awkwardly grab each other and twirl around until finally someone lands on the floor. Instead of hearing bone-crunching noises as fist meets flesh, the only sounds you'll hear are unflattering grunts and sniffles. And be warned, there will also be more hair-pulling than you expect. No one looks good in a hair-pulling fight; not the puller, and not the pull-ee.

2. Never root for the underdog. Despite what TV shows and the 2007-2008 New York Giants have taught us, the underdog doesn't always win. Cheering for the long-shot will only lead to disappointment and pity. (Exception to the rule: If you have a crush on the person who just got pwned, swoop in and help them up after the fight. Nine times out of ten, long-term marriages result from such actions.)

3. Use your powers of exaggeration. When it's all over, you will have to tell the unlucky few who didn't witness the fight what went down. Use as many adjectives and adverbs as possible. Here's a few to get you started:

Adjectives

• Slaughterous
• Ruinous
• Primitive
• Barbarous
• Wolfish
• Rapacious
• Milky

Adverbs

• Zealously
• Demonically
• Stormily
• Murderously
• Pitilessly
• Milkily

You should also compare either combatant to a (non-fluffy) farm animal whenever possible and be sure to emphasis that you were "right there when it happened," even if you were a few rows behind everyone else.

4. Alert a teacher or security. One who alerts faculty about a fight before the fight begins is a snitch. One who alerts faculty about a fight in progress is only doing the right thing. Consider yourself a hero and say to others, "If I hadn't gotten Mr. Litz, they could have killed each other. So basically, I saved the day." Plus, girls go crazy for peacemakers…and Gossip Girl, Sweet-Tart flavored things, and the musical Rent.

5. Wear sensible shoes. It's just a good idea for all occasions.

6. Don't laugh. In the heat of battle, a fighter cannot determine what you're laughing at, and may assume you're giggling at him, even if you were just thinking back to a funny Ziggy cartoon. Before you have time to explain, you're included in round two of the fight. Stay stoic and you'll stay safe. (Also try not to wink, smirk, blow kisses, or lick your lips).

What are your fight-watching tips?