Yearbook FAQ

This week, we posted SparkNotes Yearbook Awards. But our guide to yearbook etiquette still left a few questions unanswered. Therefore, we offer this list of Frequently Asked Questions.

Q: In the entire yearbook, my picture only appears once! Am I loser?

A: Consider this: Johnny Depp's photo doesn't appear in your yearbook at all. Is he a loser?

Q: My mom sent the yearbook staff one of my baby photos. Is this legal? What should I do?

A: Sadly, it is legal. A long time ago, parents and yearbook staff members thought it would hilarious to include baby photos of the graduating class. Years later, we're still paying the price for their little joke. On the plus side, your future significant other will find the photo adorable. On the negative side, your very first pumpkin-picking trip from 1991 is a secret no more.

Q: What's the best way to store a yearbook?

A: Dig a hole. Put the yearbook in that hole. Leave it buried until after you graduate college. (For added incentive, cover the book in dog poop that will stink for at least four years.) Nothing good has come from college students eager to show off their high school yearbooks. After college, dig up the book and enjoy.

Q: Why are yearbooks so expensive?

A: Because you didn't attend the donkey basketball fundraiser, and the donut sale's profits fell short of expectations due to the unfortunate milk spilling disaster.

Q: Can you sign my yearbook?

A: Though we're flattered, we simply do not have the time or ink necessary to accept all the yearbook signing requests. Thanks for asking.

Q: Please? It can be my Christmas and birthday presents!

A: Considering that we were not going to get you any presents for those occasions, you really didn't sweeten the deal at all.

Q: I hate my yearbook photo. What should I do?

A: Fail out of school. This guarantees you a second yearbook photo. Plus, you'll ace the chemistry mid-term, since Mr. Maloney never changes the questions.

Q: Don't you think Kate from Jon and Kate Plus Eight is a straight up b****?

A: It's not fair of us to pass judgment on a reality TV star, because the show's directors and editors have total control over what the viewer sees. That said, yeah, she's a b****.

Q: I'm worried that my friend is going to write too much in my yearbook and take up lots of space. Is it OK for me to tell her to keep it brief?

A: Yearbook pages are limited. To make sure she keeps it simple, force your wordy friend to sign the yearbook during a moment of high stress. For instance, make her sign it while she's frantically looking for concert parking or during the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Q: I can't find my yearbook! Where is it?

A: It's in the trunk of Jen's car, inside the Old Navy bag. Try to be more careful with your memories, OK?

Q: I don't like what my one friend wrote in my yearbook. Can I cross it out?

A: Sure. But years later, after you're married and have children, one of your kids will page through the yearbook, see the crossed-out signature, and assume it had something to do with drugs or premarital sex. And no amount of reasoning with the child will alter his or her newfound perception of you.

Q: What color ink should I use when signing a yearbook?

A: Blue means you're friends with the person.

Black means you know the person, but not that well.

Red means you like the…wait a second. This is stupid. Use whatever color ink you have handy. Unless it's green, because that means you're in love (obviously).

Q: There are five different sections in my yearbook devoted to Election '08. Since most of the students couldn't even vote, isn't this a bit ridiculous?

A: On one hand, you're right. But on the other hand, this was perhaps the most positive historic event in our nation's history since man walked on the moon. Just be happy you were around when it happened. And in 50 years, you can sell your yearbook to the Smithsonian or to your grandchildren who need to do a report on the election.

Q: The tiger in the photo for Magic Club wasn't credited. Who should I call: The school? The photographer? The yearbook printer?

A: What kind of school do you go to?

Q: I'm too shy to ask people to sign my yearbook. Any advice?

A: Don't overthink this. Be bold. Be confident. And when all else fails, here is a list of people who will sign any and every yearbook, guaranteed:

• English teachers: They wait all year for the chance to write brainy, nostalgic blurbs.
• Cheerleaders: One or two cheerleaders is all it takes to fill an empty yearbook with phony, "I'm going to miss you sooo much" quotes, hearts, and smiley faces.
• Buzz Lightyear: You'll have to travel to Disney World, but it's worth it. The only downside is that Buzz "signs" his name with a stamp instead of actually handwriting it. Perhaps that's because the Buzz costume obscures his vision. Or perhaps "Infinity and Beyond" is the name of the phonics school the dim-witted Buzz is attending.
• The funny guy: Chances are he already signed your yearbook when you left it in the math lab. He just can't help himself.
• First graders who just learned how to spell: They love to show off. Just be prepared for a signature that consists primarily of words such as dog, pig, car, go, and Mississippi.

Q: What is J.D. Power and Associates, and why should I care what they think about cars?

A: Good questions. We honestly do not know. Um…can we keep this on topic?

Q: My prom date and I were voted cutest couple in the yearbook. Then we broke up. Now every time I open the book, I get emotional and angry. Help!

A: This is not the end of the world. In fact, most of the yearbook superlatives won't hold up over time. If it still bugs you, cross out some letters so the superlative reads "Cutest Cup." Then slap in this photo and never look back.

Q: Do I really look that fat?

A: Nope.

Q: Do I really look like that when I run?

A: Yep.