A bad grade often causes a strong physical reaction in the recipient: There’s the nervous, verge-of-vomiting feeling that hits your stomach when the test or essay is passed back. Then starts the palm sweat and dry mouth. As pain spreads through your body, you stare blankly at the number or letter at the top of the page in hopes that you’ve read it incorrectly. You quickly survey the slashes of red pen below. It’s a total bloodbath down there. Your eyes dart back to the grade and your brain seizes up as it tries to comprehend your misfortune.
At least that’s how we at SparkNotes reacted to a B+. But hey, we were a bit delicate. The severity of the response really depends on the magnitude of the misstep, and oftentimes, it’s relative to each individual. There are kids who weep at anything less than a solid A, and others are unfazed by a string of 63s.
There are several tiers of terrible marks, with failure looming as the ultimate expression of incompetence. And within failure lies several sub-categories of ain’t-gonna-cut-it-ness: you can just barely not pass; you can bomb with conviction; or you can fail spectacularly. In any case, you’ll need a plan of action to cope with this academic disaster. Our handy guide helps you identify and hopefully survive a variety of bungled performances:
The Zero
Also known as a “goose egg,” a zero is pretty much the lowest of the low. However, it's generally awarded when you straight up skip an assignment, making it more a reflection of your laziness than any lack of intelligence. (If you’ve ever earned a zero on a test because you got every question wrong, let us know—that takes some serious work and is worthy of recognition.)
How to deal: Tell your teacher you blacked out during class (from excitement, obvs), or that you got homework-jacked on the way to bus stop. If you have a good excuse—or you can weave a convincing story—you may be able to make up the assignment for full or partial credit.
The 16
When you get a grade that matches your age, you know you’re in trouble. But this is the brand of failure that’s almost funny—until you realize it dragged your average down by 30%.
How to deal: Party with your friends. Everyone collects at least one ridiculously low grade at some point, and getting that first one is a landmark occasion. (Celebration privileges are revoked once you receive a second grade anywhere in the teens.)
The 59
A score in the high fifties may be the most painful of all—you were this close to passing. If only you had remembered to carry the zero, or that the North won the war, you might have pulled this one out.
How to deal: Plan to make flashcards next time. Just turning the pages of the textbook while watching The City won’t get the job done.
The "Please See Me"
These three words are the worst punishment a teacher can deliver. They are paralyzing in their ambiguity. Your teacher may assume that you cheated, or maybe your answers were so disturbingly incorrect that she needs to let you know in person that you're the reason she’s leaving the education business forever. Either way, you still have to engage in actual conversation.
How to deal: Go see your teacher, but not before mastering one of the following facial expressions: 1. The Crestfallen Puppy Dog. 2. The Skeptical Scholar. 3. The Young Tyrant.
The -43
Not many teachers have the nerve or sense of humor to wield negative digits when grading papers, but we salute those who do. Sub-zero marks are typically dispatched when a student doesn’t complete an assignment because he was busy subscribing the teacher to an of array magazines, including Cigar Aficionado and Fangoria, and checking the box for “Bill Me Later.”
How to deal: If you’re on the receiving end of a negative number, give your teacher a high five. Then ask if she’s read any interesting articles lately.
What’s the worst grade you’ve ever received? Were you embarrassed or proud?
Post a comment!