According to Change.org, America is in the grip of a terrifying health crisis: bikini body disorder. Change.org is all annoyed with Valerie Bertinelli for spreading the disease by worrying aloud about her jiggly parts, telling People magazine about her self-loathing fear of jalapeno poppers, and reducing her caloric intake to levels suitable for rabbits and toddlers in order to whip her body into bikini shape.
Anorexia and bulimia are serious illnesses. Bikini body disorder is not.
But if Change.org is going to whip itself into a lather over a fake problem, we want to get in on the action! Here's our list of shocking media and celebrity-inspired disorders:
Extension Dependence
The media-driven pressure to have long hair like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Paris Hilton has gotten so intense, teens are practically storming their local salons. In a shameless exploitation of the disorder, Hilton has created her own line of hair extensions, which SparkNotes would like to see investigated by both the CDC and FDA.
Tanorexia
It is a common misconception that this tanning disorder, flaunted by such celebs as Lindsay Lohan and Christina Aguilera, is about the color of a person's skin. However, SparkNotes blames DHA, the main ingredient in self-tanners, which we suspect is wildly addictive. Despite popular belief, tanorexia does not only affect females. From George Hamilton to the clothing-allergic Matthew McConaughey, the number of men sporting a pumpkin glow on the red carpet is increasing at alarming levels. And the kids are watching.
Sea-Crest Smile Disorder
It's so easy to be dazzled by the American Idol host's blindingly white smile, we're afraid an extreme tooth-bleaching epidemic is inevitable. Exhibit A: This girl is now toothless after using upwards of two hundred whitening strips back to back, instead of waiting the recommended six months, as per the instructions on the box. (She may look old, but she's actually a sixteen-year-old dual sufferer of tanorexia and Sea-Crest Smile Disorder.)
Scary Yoga Muscles Disorder
The primary celeb reinforcing this disorder in the media is Madonna, although some teens say they are also influenced by Sheryl Crowe. SparkNotes applauds actress and recovering SYMD sufferer Jennifer Garner for her courageous climb out of yoga addiction. No longer will Garner send mixed messages to teen girls who are convinced they're not beautiful unless their arms can be registered as deadly weapons.
Lollipip Headoria
While some celebrities insist it is their natural metabolisms that keep their noggins at a disproportionately large size to their bodies, we're pretty convinced head surgery is to blame. And the media's encouragement of actresses like Keira Knightley, Kate Bosworth, and Renee Zellweger will no doubt influence America's girls. SparkNotes can see the episode of Dateline now: "What is causing thousands of women to fly to Brazil for the dangerous and experimental head-enlargement procedure?"
What are your thoughts? Is it irresponsible for the media to tout body acceptance but reinforce potentially dangerous and unrealistic ideals? Is it damaging to teens? And most importantly, have we missed any fake disorders?
Tags: body image
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