Win the Battle of the Graduation Parties

High school seniors are just weeks (all right, months) away from graduating. And with graduation comes parties. Unfortunately, thanks to chronology, there are only a limited number of weekends in June in which to have your graduation celebration. How to ensure that your bash will stand out? A few tips:

1. Throw your party this weekend

By now, you should know if you have the grades and credits necessary to graduate. Why wait for the ceremony, when you can celebrate now? Not only will you avoid competing with other parties in the crowded month of June, but by getting a jump on party season, you might get a great deal on renting that hippopotamus.

2. Rent a hippopotamus

Harder then you think, but well worth the trouble, renting a hippo will guarantee that everyone remembers your party well past college. For best results, constantly remind folks that hippos are deadlier than lions and tigers, and among the most dangerous animals on the planet!

3. Promise violence

The problem with invitations is that people never RSVP and you waste a bunch of money on postage. Instead, spread that word that Tom and Carl are going to fight at your house this weekend. Everyone loves to gather around a fight, and your party will be the best-attended event of the year. When the guests finally realize there is no fight, they will be too entertained/impressed by the hippo to get mad.

4. Do not invite alumni

Those who have left and gone off to college should be dead to you. When brought into a high school party, all these folks will do is brag about college and complain that this party is lame. (Yet they will stay longer than any other guest.) They will also try to one-up your party by saying things such as, "Cool hippo. I was at this party once at college where they had three hippos." Also, if they are guys, these alums will have ridiculous sideburns and be 10 pounds fatter than you remember. Who needs that at a party?

5. Only serve dessert

The best part of a party occurs near the end, during the two hours before guests leave. Offer cake alone, thus making it feel like the party is at its peak even if it just began. To increase the verisimilitude, only serve cake that has already been cut into, and prior to the arrival of the first guest, fill a trash bag with empty soda cans, paper plates, and plastic forks to deepen the illusion that things are in full swing.

6. Play only one album the entire night

Pick a good party album, or your favorite album of all time, and let it play on repeat all night long. It will be annoying at first, but after two or three listens, everyone will start to spontaneously sing the lyrics as the songs burrows deeper and deeper into their minds. (Warning: For your safety, and the safety of your guests, stay away from emo band AFI.)

7. Hide

If the party starts to die down, hide. Everyone will start asking about you, and the ensuing confusion will extend the party by another hour, at least. Then, reappear with a volleyball net and volleyball. Including set-up time, a game of volleyball can stretch out a party by another two hours. Repeat as necessary by appearing from your hiding place with various lawn activities.

As party season approaches, we'll be offering more tips on throwing the bash to end all bashes. Stay tuned...