In the complex social strata of high school, one species tops the food chain: The Varsity Player. He is the king of the jungle, the cock of the walk, the cream of the crop. Untouchable, he carves a godlike path through the halls while World of Warcraft-playing goths scatter before him and a gaggle of hopeful B-listers trail in his wake.
But look a little closer: within this kingly species, two distinct genera exist: The Scholar Athlete and the Dumb Jock.
Learning to distinguish between the two varieties of varsity golden boy is essential to your survival. Those who fail to educate themselves may not last through freshman year. When in doubt, check for the three major characteristics:
- The Scholar Athlete gravitates toward sports that feed his intellect. Look for him in strategic positions: captain of the soccer team, football quarterback, or star pitcher.
- The Dumb Jock gravitates toward sports that feed his desire to smash things; he's the linebacker type. Though his aggressiveness and brawn make the Dumb Jock an excellent wrestler, his latent homophobia makes him leery of any sport that requires him to wear a unitard and roll around on the floor with another man’s head between his legs.
- No woman can resist the charms of the Scholar Athlete; smart and chivalric, he is a crush object for even the most jaded emo girl or anti-establishment hippie. However, in accordance with his social standing, the Scholar Athlete can most often be found dating female Scholar Athletes.
- Despite his muscular physique, the Dumb Jock is rarely successful with the ladies, most likely due to his penchant for pickup lines such as “I like boobs!” or “Your butt smells like my fantasies.” Repeated failures with the fairer sex contribute to his anger issues.
- The Scholar Athlete excels in academics, mastering an advanced courseload and maintaining a GPA of no less than 3.5. He is extremely likely to graduate as class valedictorian.
- The Dumb Jock is that idiot who read the above line and started laughing hysterically because “valedictorian” has the word “d**k” in it. Man, is he dumb.