AIG: Arrogant, Irrational, Greedy?

The country is in uproar this week after news surfaced that AIG—also known as That Insurance Company We Bailed Out With Taxpayer Money—used the federal bailout to award its ne’er-do-well executives a whopping $165 MILLION in bonuses.

My, gentlemen! That’s rather a lot of cash, isn’t it? Especially considering that you guys very nearly toppled the entire global financial system all by yourselves.

Though these bonuses reek of self-interest and poor judgment, AIG Chairman Edward Liddy wants you to know that everything is going to be just fine… because he totally talked to his people, and asked them to give, like, some of the money back.

Says Liddy: "Specifically, I've asked those who received retention payments in excess of $100,000 or more to return at least half of those payments.”

Yeeeah, okay. You let us know how that works out for ya, Liddy. Because right now, we anticipate that your conversation will go something like this:

Liddy: Hey, dude. You know how I gave you that check for five hundred grand last week?

Executive: Yeah, of course! Why?

Liddy: Well, uh…I need you to…uh, give a bunch of it back.

Executive: What?

Liddy: Give it back?

Executive: No.

Liddy: Please?

Executive: No.

Liddy: Pretty please?

Executive: No way, man! And besides, I already spent it.

Liddy: You…what?? How could you spent half a million dollars in just seven days?!!

Executive: I had five-carat diamonds surgically implanted in my nipples! See?

On the plus side, it has been reported that certain bonus recipients have already offered to give back 100% of the money received, thus restoring at least part of our faith in humanity. Phew.

(Also, government? If you’re looking to give away thousands of dollars, some of us would reeeeally like to pay off our student loans. Just sayin’.)