Everything Is Bigger In Texas, Except Homework Assignments

Is homework a necessary part of education? Probably. But according to CBS News, the teachers in the Plano Independent School District in Texas were told that next year, homework for middle school students will go the way of the dinosaurs. Perhaps they saw our coverage of Ben Berrafato's editorial calling for fifth graders to unite against the scourge. Or perhaps the school district thinks forcing kids to do homework is not the best way to encourage learning.

Feeling jealous of those lucky Texas students? Not so fast.

Processing the revolutionary idea of a life sans homework can strain the mind of a student. We here at SparkNotes have researched the problem, and found that students who learn that homework is dead go through five emotional stages before they can truly accept the idea. And it is by pure coincidence that these stages mirror the five stages of grief. Honest!

The five stages of living a homework-free life:

Denial

After a lifetime of living in a society that says homework is mandatory, many students expect homework. When the homework doesn't come, a student will first deny his freedom by saying, "Hmm. The teacher must have forgotten to assign us homework. Or maybe it's a trick, and we all secretly have to do a report on walruses. I better get to the library!" This stage will last 23 seconds, tops.

Guilt and Pain

The guilt will suddenly sink in when the student is on Xbox Live and notices that his friends from other school districts are not online, as they are presumably doing homework or shopping at the graph paper store. This guilt will cause the student to stop playing Xbox. It will also lead to whining "I'm boooored" at his mother.

The pain will come when the student's parents, who realized their child has much more free time, enroll him in piano lessons (if the student already takes piano, he will be enrolled in "Super Hard Piano Lessons," during which he must play on a piano that has 488 keys, some of them hidden).

Anger and Bargaining

The student who is forced into piano lessons will get angry and yell things he doesn't mean, such as, "I hate you!" and "Who ever heard of Super Hard Piano Lessons?" Then he will try to weasel his way out of piano lessons by saying things such as, "If you stop making me go to piano lessons, it can be my Christmas and birthday presents!" and, "I'm not coming out of the hamper until you cancel my piano lessons for good."

Depression

With the prospect of having so much free time ruined by eager parents, the student will get depressed. Not to worry; usually this stage is only temporary. Besides, if the student remains depressed, there's a good chance he will be able to turn his darkness into jazz, thanks to the piano lessons…and then he could be the next Hampton Hawes (until this very sentence, we'd never heard of him, either).

Acceptance

Finally, the student will realize that while he no longer has homework, his life is not one big party. But ten years from now, when the student is at a kegger and someone shouts, "Hey, can anyone play the theme to "Golden Girls" on this harpsichord? It's a matter of life and death," his life will have new meaning, and everything will come together.