If you are not yet of legal age to operate a motor vehicle yet (or have been stripped of that right for some reason--unjust, to be sure), there are still some easy ways to experience the satisfaction of keeping two tons of metal on the road and out of your neighbor’s pool. One option is to sit quietly in your room for 45 minutes while staring out the window—now you know what traffic feels like. But an infinitely more fun alternative is to play car-racing video games until your eyes fall out.
Like the Jonas Brothers’ hair, video game graphics have become increasingly lifelike over the past few years (for example, see screenshot of Forza 2 provided by Bludgeoner86). Perhaps no game genre has benefited more from these new innovations than the one that lets you burn digital rubber around famous racetracks, through futuristic cities, and across sun-kissed meadows alongside herds of friendly talking unicorns. (Okay, we made that last example up, but if any enterprising game designer wants to bring Magical Dreams Racing League: Horns of Fury to market in time for the holidays, send us a text or something.)
With all the genius-level brain cells expended in efforts to improve each new generation of racing games, you’d think that by now flogging a car made of pixels would closely capture the sensation of applying real pedal to real metal, right? We exclaim YES!, but with one small but supremely important difference: In real life, there are things called “consequences.” While your virtual Alfa Romeo Brera 3.2 might react to drafts just like the actual one, drivers of real cars don't rack up extra points for catching massive air and they don't upgrade to a faster car because they beat their best time to Target and back.
So, in the interest of public good, we've devised the following test to measure your understanding of actual driver's safety. Please be honest:
1. Which of the following describes the proper response in the event that you miss your exit on an Interstate highway?
a. Pull a U-turn across the median without using your turn signals or slowing down.
b. Throw the car into the reverse, jab the accelerator repeatedly, and hold on for dear life.
c. Wait for the secret tunnel to appear; the exit you saw earlier was a trap.
2. When merging into heavy traffic, you should always:
a. Gun it.
b. Floor it.
c. Attempt to sideswipe another car to earn a “Total Carnage Bonus.”
3. Be sure to proceed with extra caution when:
a. Your wheels are on fire.
b. The driver in front of you releases a smokescreen.
c. Navigating the underwater section of your commute.
4. You want to make a right turn at an upcoming intersection. You should:
a. Hit the brakes momentarily, then speed up quickly to create an awesome tire-squealing noise.
b. Jump the curb and take a shortcut through a crowded gas station.
c. Make three left turns; that's your best bet at losing the cops who are tailing you.
5. When another vehicle is passing you, you should:
a. Engage your flamethrower.
b. Accelerate until you are traveling at the same speed, then violently yank the steering wheel and force the other vehicle into a nearby crevasse.
c. Relax. If you don’t finish first this time, you can always hit “restart.”
6. You have a green light, but traffic is blocking the intersection. You should:
a. Try to get your car up on two wheels in order to “thread the needle.”
b. Aim for the ramp.
c. Slow to a stop, get out, drag another driver from his car, and take off in his vehicle.
7. You are driving on the freeway. The vehicle in front of you is a large truck. The proper tactic is to drive:
a. Like a maniac who was just released from prison.
b. Like a husband whose wife is about to have a baby.
c. Like a NASCAR pro, drafting one inch off the truck’s bumper for maximum aerodynamic efficiency.
8. You see a flashing yellow traffic signal at an upcoming intersection. This flashing yellow light means:
a. The drawbridge is opening—you’d better speed up.
b. Your car is out of turbo boost.
c. You’re about to get lapped by your little bro, who just learned to drive last week and seems unnaturally gifted.
9. A diamond-shaped sign is used to warn drivers of which of the following hazards?
a. Robots who have machine guns where their arms should be.
b. Volcanic eruptions. (But if you time it just right, you can ride the lava.)
c. Snakes.
10. A safe driver does which of the following?
a. Keeps one hand on the “Eject” button at all times.
b. Stays on the forest path instead of trying to launch over the canyon, even if that route might be slightly shorter.
c. Doesn’t take any stupid risks near the finish line; the invincibility power-up isn’t worth it.
Answers appear upside down on page 47. Do you think any video game racing techniques can be applied to real-world driving?
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