...and Then I Put Her Head in the Microwave. Just for a Minute.
Happy Birthday, Barbie! Now it's time to sever your head.
This week, Barbie turned 50. Whoop-di-do. Seriously, we wouldn't care too much about the little tart if it weren't for the following two tidbits:
1. Barbie was based on a German sex doll who was made as a gag gift for men (true story!).
2. You. Mutilated. Your. Barbies.
Or your sister's. In either case, we promise we haven't been spying on you. And we're not singling you out. In fact, we did it, too, and according to the zillions of news reports that came out this week about celebrating 50 years of Barbie idolization, tons of people have actually been celebrating 50 years of Barbie mutilation.
We decided the best way to pay homage to Barbie was to compile a list, drawn from news reports this week, of the most creative (and creepy!) ways people admitted to cutting, ripping, coloring, destroying and, uh, melting over the years:
-"I cut her hair down, dyed it brown with a Crayola marker and drew on some glasses to make her look like an actual doctor. I also melted her feet to be flat, on the stove." -From The Toronto Star
-I took off all her clothes and sent her looking for love. My Barbie got around. -From The Washington Post
-"In 1993, girls who bought 'Teen Talk' Barbies were surprised to hear their new dolls growl phrases such as 'dead men tell no lies' and 'vengeance is mine.' Meanwhile, boys pressed the buttons of their new 'Talking Duke' G.I. Joe and heard him coo, 'Let's plan our dream wedding.'" -From Forbes.com describing the Barbie Liberation Movement in which Barbie and GI Joe voice boxes were switched
-"I saw my sister was fond of making the barbie and ken doll make out, so one day I used a lighter and fused the two dolls at the face." -Comments from New York Public Radio Website
-"I chewed my Barbie's feet!" -Comments from New York Public Radio Website
-"For some reason, I found it quite delightful to pop the plastic heads off of my Barbie, Skipper, and Ken dolls." -From Jezebel.com
-"I made a necklace out of Barbie legs and arms, and actually wore it to school." -From, uh, me, here at SparkNotes, actually. It's a realllllly cute necklace.
What did you do to your Barbies or your sisters' Barbies?