College Won't Make You a Better Lover. Nope.

Salty Tears on Your Pillow ALERT: Next year, not everyone will get the privilege of living in a 5 by 6 foot cinder block cell at an infamous institution, better known as jail college. This economic meltdown thingy, which we totally know you had nothing to do with so this is super unfair, is making everybody poor. This means there are fewer scholarships, and for some high school students, that means delayed access to a college education.

Buck up, sad pandas! We don't want to make you depressed! In fact, we've compiled a little list of some of life's most important questions that aren't answered in college, (BAD PUN AHEAD) proving that the entire "universe" cannot be found in "university."

They Fail to Teach You: How not to drool on your lover in the night

When you wake up at 4 a.m. and groggily glance at the dimly lit human form next to you, you will first congratulate yourself on snagging such a fox. Then you will see it, IT, IT, sloshing there on your lover's chest: an ocean of your own drool. You will touch the corners of your mouth. Oh yes, they are wet. Wet and slimy. In a moment of panicked self-loathing, you will think, "Why must I ruin all that is beautiful in the world?"

You will cry a little. Then you will realize, this is something they should have taught you in college.

They Fail to Teach You: The dance of the public bathroom

Public bathrooms, especially bathrooms in airports and 24-hour-diners, are like the anti-scavenger hunts wherein the "prize" is emerging without a mysterious residue on your thigh. College fails to explain, "Why are public bathrooms glazed with goo-grease?" "Who spawned this goo-grease, a crazy person? A person with a vengeance? A person with a horrible idea of what constitutes comedy?!" And finally, "What are my options here? What is the best possible combination of maneuvers that will get me out of this airport bathroom for good, ungoo-ed?!"

They Fail to Teach You: How to earn a living, really

Let's be for serious here: The only way to get rich quick nowadays is to create a best-selling iPhone application. Harvard, you're behind the curve.

They Fail to Teach You: Why it's all called "product"

Riddle me this, linguistics department: You have just gotten a haircut, which is looking kind of "meh" to be honest. But then, suddenly, like a goddess of all that is shiny and fragrant, your hairdresser puts something soft on your head that makes you sexy. Then she adds something else. Then... another thing. "What are all of these things that you are putting on top of my head?" you will say. She will look at you with vacant eyes. "Product."

Why is mousse, styling lotion, spray, cream, paste, gel and your mom ALL CALLED "PRODUCT?!" College does not have the answer to this.

They Fail to Teach You: About the machine that never says die

Fax machines. What the h%$@. What are you, really, you crabby piece of yellowing technology? What's wrong with you? Why are you always NOT faxing, and acting so crazy?! Where is your instruction manual? Oh that's right, a crater came down and blasted it to bits. That's when all the dinosaurs died, too.

For some unknown reason the fax machine is still considered an acceptable mode of communication, even a required one sometimes, in the real world. College does not prepare you for this. History class can only go back so far.