Everyone must deal with bosses (unless you started your own assassin business, in which case, are you hiring?). A boss can be your best friend or your worst nightmare, and often you won't know which until it's too late. To give you a hand, we've categorized the thirteen types of managers or bosses you will encounter in the working world.
1. The Boss Who Spends His Time Trying to Get a Liquor License
Once in a while, you'll encounter a boss who doesn't care about his current job, and is only looking towards the future, when, along with his brother-in-law Kyle, he will open a club downtown. Such a boss will spend most of his time on the phone, trying to acquire a liquor license, and will ask you questions such as, "We're going to have shot glasses that look like tiny skulls. Isn't that cool?" and "Do you know how to get a liquor license?" (A slight variation on the Liquor License Boss is the Vending Machine Boss, who will talk at length about how he can make a living by buying up a couple vending machines and strategically placing them around college campuses).
2. The Odd BossBe on the lookout for one or more of the following character traits to positively I.D. this type. The odd boss:
- Mumbles
- Wears more than one piece of jewelry
- Has a tattoo on his hand that you can never quite decipher
- Hums the theme song to Entertainment Tonight
- Calls the bathroom "my pet"
- Bursts out laughing for no reason
- Eats unusual, unidentifiable food that smells pleasantly sour
- Frequently asks you to go buy him the latest issue of Progressive Farmer
- Eats empty taco shells as a snack
- Answers the telephone in a super friendly voice after spending most of the day weeping
- Laces his shoes in an interesting manner
- Quotes King of the Hill ad nauseum
3. The Mean Boss
Don't be afraid. Yes, the mean boss will yell at you and embarrass you. Yes, you will dread going to work each day. Yes, the sick feeling in your stomach will intensify as you approach the front door. And yes, during your time at this job you will cry, often. But the good news is that you will have amazing stories that will last a lifetime. Everyone loves hearing awful boss tales. (The Devil Wears Prada was a bestseller. My Boss Understands Me wouldn't sell more than five copies). Plus, quitting this job will feel positively orgasmic!
4. The Too-Friendly Boss
The friendly boss hates his job, but it’s the only way he can meet new people. He will always ask if you want to grab lunch or go with him to do a bank drop. He will also add you on Facebook, and then add your friends. And after that, it'll be damn near impossible to explain to your friends that your boss isn't really your BFF. Also, despite your constant reminders that you don't watch the show, he will persist in asking your opinion of the latest Prison Break episode.
5. The Scary Boss
See the "Odd Boss" entry, and give him a limp and a sense of purpose.
6. The Reasonable Boss
Sorry, but you won't have to worry about dealing with a reasonable boss until you're out of college, and even then, it's surprisingly rare. When it does happen, you'll be amazed at the amount of work you can accomplish.
7. The Unreasonable Boss
After working in a steel refinery for 37 years, he has chosen to live out his golden years as a store manager. He doesn't mean you any harm, but simply can't understand why a young, polio-free kid can't work a double 17-hour shift, outside, on Christmas. He also has interesting thoughts about race, religion, and what constitutes a broken bone.
8. The Boss who Pushes You Past Your Ability, Which Teaches You, in the End, that Your Ability is Far Greater than You Expected
You won't encounter this boss unless you're a gymnast, and the boss is your coach. Still, for all of our gymnast readers…there ya go.
9. The Boss Who Doesn't Know His Own Age
Easy to spot because he will say things such as, "Dude" and "Hey dude" and "You dudes want anything? I'm going to the food court." He shares characteristics with the Friendly Boss, but the Boss Who Doesn't Know His Own Age is older, divorced, and comes in on his day off wearing Crocs and socks to tell you about the movie he just went to by himself. His keychain is also a toy.
10. The Boss Who's Lived a Life
Nothing will faze the boss who has seen it all before. Nothing. And as an added bonus, he will tell you this fact quite often. A talking turtle could deliver him pancakes and he would just smile and accept the treat, then return to work as if this were perfectly normal. He will tell you random, fascinating tidbits such as, "Back in '75, I saw a guy eat a dog's head like it was an apple." Unfortunately, when pressed for specifics, he will change the subject because he's either sworn to secrecy, or a liar.
11. The Phantom Boss
Thanks to his assistant managers, the phantom boss hides in the shadows. You may not even see him, which seems like a great perk. But one day, a man you don't recognize will ask you to tidy up the back room. Since you don't know this person, you ignore the request. Congratulations. You just met the manager, and got yourself fired.
12. The Boss Whose Younger Relative is Also an Employee
It's tough being the low man on the totem pole at work. It's even more difficult when another employee happens to be a relative of the boss. Nepotism aside, the real problem is finding new ways to get involved in conversations that begin with the boss saying, "Did you hear Aunt Helen is in the hospital again?"
13. The Boss with a Hobby
It's tough to believe, but bosses do have lives outside of work, and love to share them with everyone. The boss with a hobby is mostly harmless, but does have a tendency to make you feel stupid by saying things such as, "So with the half-marathon in less than a month, I'm really trying to focus on fartlek exercises. You know what those are, right? Oh my gosh! You don't know what a fartlek exercise is?"
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