If you’ve ever looked around the room during class, you’ll notice that there’s a whole lot of twitching going on. Billy Tweedles is kicking the chair in front of him, Devin McFatwad is wiggling around like he’s got to pee, Lindsay Chickenbutt is bouncing up and down in time to a song only she can hear, and Trevor Openfly is…HOLYOMG we did NOT need to see that.
Fortunately, one intrepid teacher out in Wisconsin has finally realized that for most people, sitting completely still during a lecture on the mating habits of amoebic protozoa isn’t just hard, it’s physically im-freakin-possible. In search of a better option, she’s invented the Stand-Up Desk—a life-altering piece of furniture that lets kids choose whichever posture (standing, sitting, crouched in lotus position, etc.) they find most comfortable.
We at SparkNotes, having struggled one too many times against the urge to run screaming from the room during Chem class, think this is an excellent idea. But for kids with “special needs,” we think three more crucial innovations in classroom furniture are in order. Namely:
1. The Navigator Desk: A desk equipped with a functional steering wheel, for the student who has flashes of genius while driving.
2. The Throne Desk: A toilet-shaped desk, for the student who always has his best ideas on the john.
3. The Safe Haven Desk: A fully enclosed wooden box with interior lock, for the student who is scared of learning. (We might just shove Trevor Openfly in here, too...for the good of mankind.)
Got any other fantastical furniture ideas? Don’t be shy, now.