This Means War!

Last night's episode of LOST set the stage for a coming war, as predicted by Charles Widmore. The problem is we still don't know who is fighting in this war, or which side to root for. After careful analysis, we have come up with a few possible scenarios.

1. Charles Widmore vs. Benjamin Linus
These guys don't get along, and they both love to lie. Theirs will be a war without weapons. Battles will be fought with creepy, cryptic words and phrases such as, "This is more important than you realize," and, "You keep asking questions, but you might not like the answers." Whoever gives up actual information loses.

2. Main Cast Members vs. Background Extras
Since the first episode, we've been following around the same group of people, with little regard for the other surviving passengers (those people seen randomly walking in the background). Since Ben moved the Island, most of these extras were killed. But some are probably still wandering around. The war will break out when one of the extras shouts, "I have a name. It's Amy. And I want to know what the hell the Drama Incentive is and why my nose is bleeding!" Rose and Bernard will get torn apart in the ensuing battles.

3. Sawyer vs. Exhaustion
The guy just swam to the Island, ran through the jungle without shoes, rowed a boat, hiked, and traveled through time. This man needs a nap and a Balance Bar.

4. Oceanic Survivors vs. Common Sense
Why is Ben still alive? He's been nothing but trouble, and yet everyone keeps him around, and never forces any decent information out of him. The guy knows everything! Tickle him until he talks. That's how we found out when our surprise party is. (Don't worry. We're still going to act surprised.)

5. Walt vs. Puberty
For a few months, Walt will be cranky. Leave him alone. He doesn't want to deal with all this right now. Cool? Cool. And please stop asking him how school is going. He hates that.

6. Ghost of Jack's Dad vs. Kate's Mysterious Horse
The two beings are pitted against each other in a fight that kills them both, thus freeing the writers from having to explain things.

7. The Skull Maiden vs. Blast Dagger
Though we haven't met these two characters before, they will fight in an epic war that will decide the fate of the universe. The Skull Maiden, who rides a mechanical horse named Star-Sister, has a duel-sided weapon (one end is a battle ax. The other end is a whip). Blast Dagger, who is part robot, relies on his trusty sledgehammer and ability to summon hawks. The war will be fought at night, during a storm. Also, everyone is wearing these wicked capes. And there are werewolves.

8. Smoke Monster vs. Air Purifier
Not likely, but would be kind of interesting to watch.

9. The Ending of the Series vs. Fans Expectations
The minute after the series ends, the war will begin, and it will be bloody. There's little chance that the writers will be able to satisfy all the fans, so we here at SparkNotes are setting our expectations low by predicting the show will end with Jack waking up and realizing it was all dream…until he notices a Dharma Initiative beer in one hand, and the smoke monster in the other. Fade to black.