Please Tell Your Butt Not to Call Me Anymore.

Hey, did you know that teenagers use their cellular phones to do this new-fangled thing called “text messaging”? Well, the media sure does: all of a sudden, they're inundating us with hysterical rants about “sexting,” worried ruminations on “text-bullying,” and this nervous piece about the 15 year-old who sent a whopping 6,473 text messages in one month.

We love these articles, mostly because they always insinuate that texting will eventually cause the End of the World. But even we are forced to admit that texting can cause terrible problems…in your pants.

Witness the sad fate of this poor teenager from Wisconsin, who was arrested—yes, arrested—when she wouldn't stop texting in class. After the girl refused to put her phone away, the police were called to remove her, at which point our plucky heroine attempted to defuse the situation by insisting that she didn’t even have a phone. (That’s crazy, you say? Yeah, crazy like a FOX!) But what’s a young rebel to do when it comes time to hide the evidence of her crime?

Uh...let's put it this way: she thought of something. The police report from the incident states: "These words alerted me with her zipper open and he [sic] refusal to stand up and be searched she was concealing the phone in her pants.” The report further reveals that the cops found “a Samsung Cricket cell phone from the buttocks area of [name deleted]." Further detail about how the phone was recovered were, thankfully, not provided.

Of course, we at SparkNotes are all for fighting the power, standing up for a cause you believe in, and so on, and so forth. And if you truly believe that texting at school is an essential human right… well…um...

No. This is ridiculous. You can text between classes, okay? Okay. Now please, for the love of all that is holy, go wash your butt off that phone.