CNN reports that historians have ranked our country’s presidents in order from best to worst. This is the second time in ten years that an analysis of this sort has been done, and once again Abraham Lincoln has defended his title of Best President Ever. (In the case of a tie, the candidates must compete for the title by participating in a bikini mud-wrestling death-match on the lawn of the White House.) (Fortunately for everyone involved, this will probably never happen.)
But while Honest Abe and his slavery-ending, country-uniting, awesome-beard-rocking administration were a clear choice for the win, we’re much more interested in the sad sacks who landed at the bottom of the list—and in particular, what they did to end up there. Hey, wouldn’t it be great if someone took that info, and then compiled a handy guide for future presidents called Presidential DON’Ts: What Not To Do In The White House?
Oh, all right, you talked us into it.
Presidential Don’t #1: Support slavery, secession, and other stupid stuff.
Four of the seven worst presidents made the dumb mistake of siding with the South during the Civil War, sending them straight to the top of the Bad President List.
Presidential Don’t #2: Be a bachelor.
Well, hey, Mr. President! Enjoying the swinging single life, are ya? Yeah? Well, TOO BAD. Because James Buchanan, the only President who never married, also happens to be dead last in the ranking for the second time in a row. Coincidence? Don’t think so. Now put some pants on, and find yourself a bride.
Presidential Don’t #3: Die in office.*
Whether you suffer a heart attack just two years in (Warren G. Harding), or succumb to pneumonia after a paltry 32 days in office (William Henry Harrison), dying in office is a major no-no.
*Applies only to deaths from natural causes, not from assassination.
So, there you have it! The keys to a successful presidency are to: get married, stay alive, and don't be a racist jerk. Now go get 'em, tiger.