And the Saddest Valentine Award Goes To...

Buck up, you broke and lonely lust puppies: Turns out you won't be the one to have the WORST VALENTINE'S DAY IN THE WORLD, after all. But these five people will!

5. A-Rod the 'Roidster. Okay, did anyone really think baseball's most famous bod wasn't on the juice? We just hope Alex didn't lend any to his former pal Madonna, who's been looking scarily buff these days. Mr. Rodriguez will surely find himself a sad Valentine, considering he's just lost millions of fans.

4. You, minus complicated emotions of love and trust and empathy plus random facial hair.

Three more sad sacks after the jump!

3. Mrs. Madoff: This week it was revealed that the fairer Madoff, Ruth, may have been involved in her husband's elaborate Ponzi scheme. Looks like she withdrew $15.5 million from her husband's brokerage firm right before Bernie got caught. She may have thought she could've made off (get it? GET IT?) with that money and no one would notice. Oh. So. Wrong.

2. The Peanut Villians. Those creeps took the 5th (i.e. said nothing!) when asked why they decided to sell peanut butter they knew had tested positive for salmonella. Thanks for nothing, Peanutheads. Until this thing's resolved, puppy chow is officially off limits, I'm officially in hell, and the peanut industry gets zero love.

And the loneliest heart of all...

1. Brett Favre, who retired again this week. Between angry Jets fans, angry Packers fans, and anyone who's ever tried to assemble that ridiculously counterintuitive bunch of letters that comprises F-A-V-R-E, is there a single soul left in this world willing to love you, Brett-y boy?

Are you alone and lonely on Valentine's Day? Feel free to complain about it in the comments.