Complete Recap of Last Night's LOST (100-percent Spoiler Free)

No one enjoys spoilers. But after watching last night's shocking episode of LOST, the SparkNotes crew cannot sit on our hands and keep quiet. In an effort to report on the show while remaining friends with those who have yet to see the episode, we've created a spoiler-free recap!

The episode begins with one character threatening another, while Aaron exists. Words are spoken by several characters, including Ben, who utters the phrase, "I didn't k_ll your h_sba_d." Ben goes on to say that someone isn't something.

More incredible news after the jump!

The story switches settings to The Island, where different characters are talking. One of these characters is not Bernard. Radio signals and numbers are overheard. Some of these numbers are prime, and yet, some are not prime at all. A character with Jin-like sensibilities says things in Jin-like broken English. (This may, or may not, actually be Jin). This character is hoping to find his significant other.

Soon after, a French character's location is the hot topic of discussion. That character's name rhymes with, "Hey Dean." During this discussion, an old friend reappears. This is not Bernard.

During the commercial break, there may, or may not, have been an advertisement for Life on Mars.

When the show returns, the old friend does things, and people speak hurriedly and in loud tones. The old friend takes a character to a special place. At this point, something awesome and gross happens.

Then, time is not normal, and things happen at a camp site. There are guns clicking. Then time does something else. Then more guns clicking. Then characters are happy that someone isn't dead.

Sawyer says things about things, and Miles says something very humorous, yet poignant. Rose and Bernard's whereabouts and wellbeing are of little concern.

Meanwhile, Ben plays mind games.

Then, back on the Island, Charlotte is no longer upright. (Perhaps she is tired, or dead. We're not telling!) Then something happens to Sawyer's nose. Suddenly, it's nighttime. Then it's not nighttime. Charlotte is still not standing. Locke says, "Let's go."

Some people go. Some people do not. Then Charlotte explains her passion for anthropology. After that, a brick-lined hole, or perhaps a well, is suddenly of great importance. Then, the well isn't a well anymore. Miles says, "Uh-oh." No guns have made any clicking sounds for roughly ten minutes.

Then, most of the characters don't die. Locke does something bad to a part of his body while a different old friend appears and offers cryptic advice about wheels.

The show switches back to a state in America, where some characters are approaching a building. A character who is not Bernard appears, and surprises Ben. Then, inside the building, words are spoken. Rose and Bernard are not mentioned. The End.

Oh, and Charlotte died and Ms. Hawking is revealed to be Faraday's mom. Also, the smoke monster is a temple guardian and Jack's dad told Locke to push the wheel. And Charlotte was raised on the Island, but left. And when she was a girl, a grown-up Faraday warned her not to come back to the Island. And that funny, poignant thing Miles said was, "I'm from Encino." And the one French guy had his arm pulled off while being sucked up by the smoke monster. And there totally was a commercial for Life on Mars!