What A College Tour Guide Is Really Saying

College tour guides are a unique breed of totally cute, optimistic, and spunky.

...Because they're paid to be that way.

Luckily, we at Sparklife happen to know plenty of campus guides—and the clever euphemisms they use to describe their schools. Here's the list you'll need for all of your prospective college visits:

When The Tour Guides Say: Rolling Stone rated us the coolest campus in 1972!
They Mean: We haven’t built a new building since 1972!

When They Say: These are the dorms for people who just want to get away from it all at the end of the day.
They Mean: These are the nerd dorms.

When They Say: The campus is beautiful in the summer.
They Mean: Winter = Holy. Painful. Mounting. Freezing. Snow.

When They Say: I usually wear pajamas to class, it’s great!
They Mean: I’m usually hung over for class, it’s miserable.

When They Say: This is the no alcohol dorm.
They Mean: Every other dorm is pro-alcohol.

When They Say: Intramural sports are super competitive to get into, but tons of fun.
They Mean: Intramural sports are severely underfunded, and kind of unsanitary.

When They Say: I don’t take early morning classes.
They Mean: No one takes early morning classes.

When They Say: Most people don’t live in the dorms after freshman year.
They Mean: The smell in the communal bathrooms on a Sunday morning is sick, dude. Nastified.

When They Say: I love it here.
They Mean: I love it here, minus my minimum wage job as a college tour guide.

When They Say: Does anyone have any questions?
They Mean: Please, please don’t make me talk about my NC-17-rated social life in front of all these middle-aged parents.