Love, Lust, and Mushrooms
Valentine’s Day is only a week away, and here at SparkNotes, we’re doing everything we can to help you get ready for the big day. In fact, thanks to our helpful instruction, you probably already have a) a date, b) a thoughtful way to celebrate with your date, and c) a fail-safe plan which will allow you to end Valentine’s Day with your tongue firmly ensconced in your date’s mouth.
What? You don’t have a makeout plan?
Well, you’re in luck, because SparkNotes has thoughtfully put together the following list of:
Known Aphrodisiacs for Valentine’s Day
Aphrodisiacs are commonly known as “foods that make you horny”—and, by extension, “foods that might make someone else want to make out with you.” And while the effectiveness of aphrodisiac foods has never really been tested, and we therefore cannot guarantee that serving your date items from this list will assist you in getting in, onto, or around their pants… well, at least you won't be hungry.
Pro: Oysters are a classic aphrodisiac, beloved by historic sexy people like Anais Nin, Henry Miller, and the ancient Romans.
Con: They are a) obvious, and b) slimy, meaning that your date may a) know what you’re up to, or b) refuse to eat them.
Pro: Truffles are delicious. They are also rare and expensive, meaning that the effort of procuring them may be sufficient to impress your date in the direction of makeout-town.
Con: The reason that truffles are rare and expensive is because they are procured by magic pigs who dig them up in the forests of Romania. Or something. I’m not sure about the Romania part. But they have definitely been touched by pigs, which is a little bit gross.
Pro: Figs are tasty, inexpensive, and pretty to look at (unlike those globby oysters).
Con: According to historical texts, the Ancient Greeks celebrated the arrival of the new fig crop through a “frenzied copulation ritual”—in plain terms, psycho-boning. Sounds scary. Maybe you’d better just stay home with your cat.